You Have to be Kidding Me

Dear Readers, 

My last post was about my first year as a widow and some of the lessons I learned throughout that year. I wanted to do the second part of that post. I want to share with you some of the things that were said to me during that year that made me think, “You have to be kidding me.”

Things you shouldn’t say to a widow-

1“You need to get over it!” (My thought was REALLY? Do I tell you to get over your family? NO! Dead or Alive they are still your family). If you are reading this and you haven’t lost the love of your life through death, please be MINDFUL of this comment.  

2. “You are young and pretty, you can remarry.” I know people mean well when they say this, but that is insensitive to say to someone who lost their soulmate. Being with someone is a personal choice, and sometimes some of us don’t want to do this again, and that is PERFECTLY OK. 

3. “Your house is not as clean as it used to be.” No shit Sherlock! I have a whole new set of responsibilities I need to attend too, including trying to keep myself alive today!

4. “You need to sensor the time that your child spends with Grandma because it’s hindering the bond of my child with Grandma.” Well, that sent me overboard! My child has a beautiful and special relationship with her Grandmother, and she lets other kids play with her too. But every time she sees her, she wants to feel her love and be next to her. I feel she feels her father through her. People can be very selfish, even to a fatherless child. Please people count your blessings!

5. “He probably chose to leave you and your daughter while unconscious.” My husband loved being a family man and fought very hard to stay with us. Hearing this was just unbelievable. 

6. “I know how you feel, I was left too. Divorce is like a death”. Divorce MAY feel like a death, but it is NOT death. You can still have hope, hear that person’s voice when they call, and they can help you somehow someway when it comes to the children. Granted, all situations are different, but being divorced is not the same as being a widow. As a widow we can’t have hope that they may come back. We can’t hear their voice anymore, and certainly cannot physically help with the children. 

Other things include:

  • Hijacking my Holidays that I had planned.
  • Telling me how to parent. 
  • Judging me for not being on medication. Which there is nothing wrong needing medication. 
  • Judging me for not wanting to remarry or be in a relationship again. 
  • People being deceitful towards us. 
  • Abandoning us.

We have experienced a lot of unpleasant things after losing my husband as if that wasn't enough, but we have also been very blessed. People that I never imagined have come to our aid at all hours of the day and night. And some of the people that I thought would step in to help my daughter and I, have abandoned us. Tragedy can change people for the better or worse. I will say, I have met beautiful and genuine people throughout this process that have helped me a lot, and that I have been fortunate enough to learn from. Going through widowhood is HARD, messy, complex, but doable. This is our new normal. Even though normal feels so far away. Be kind to ALL, but be KINDER to those with shattered hearts. 💔


Showing 4 reactions

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  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-11-13 17:29:24 -0800
    Among the many standard comments’ this one was startling’ – You know it’s been a year ’ you’re the matriarch now’ I know you’re a logical person’ you can’t continue grieving’ I’ve read that prolonged grief causes dementia’ – . . . . . . Laura’
  • Don Yacona
    commented 2019-11-07 11:05:36 -0800
    1 and 6 just snd me into a whole new level of crazy
  • Lisa Richardson
    commented 2019-11-07 07:15:12 -0800
    And may I add “It’s been ____years….you’ve moved on by now right?” At 8 years out I still have my moments, we all do. Missing half your heart just never goes away. So sorry you (and all of us) have to go through this.
  • Linda Tevebaugh Keeling
    commented 2019-11-07 06:45:40 -0800
    The Divorce comparison still is said to me and still blows me away when I hear it…….
    The comments to you about your housekeeping and the Grandma bond is especially hurtful… so sorry!