Word Confusion~

We each define this widowed walk for ourselves, of course.

The grief we carry is as individual as a thumb print, we're told.

Which makes sense, of course.

For myself, I've never used the word lost to describe this grief.

Being lost implies to me that I have a destination in mind.

An end point.

And I don't.

My words to describe this have been dislocated. Disoriented. Discombobulated. Displaced. Diswrought.

Also, I have no idea what the word healing means, so I've never used it in reference to myself.

It's too pressure filled a word for me.

I'm getting along, I suppose. My outer life would certainly reflect that I'm doing that.

I go out. I mingle. I'm around my family at various times.

Always with me, however, is that hollow feeling.

I wouldn't say that I'm grieving still.

But I do feel hollow.

Maybe that's what healing means.

I don't much worry about it; I just keep the energy moving.

I also struggle with the word hope and what it means.

The life I have now isn't better than the life I had with Chuck.

And I wonder if any of you...those who had a good, strong, solid, loving, marriage/relationship...

How is it for you?

If you hold your life now up to the life you had with your person...

Is this one measureably better, and have you found true happiness again? And what does that mean, if you have?

If your person came back, would you exchange this life for that life again?

Questions for the ages.

And the shit I think about all the time~



Showing 4 reactions

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  • Lynda Birmantas Beam
    commented 2019-11-17 07:45:29 -0800
    It sucks, we were soulmates, we did almost everything together other than when we were at work. The house is still so empty without him.

    We never got to grow old together. He was cheated, I was cheated, it still feels wrong.
  • Beth Ensign
    commented 2019-11-16 19:39:13 -0800
    Boy, does this ring true for me! Hollow is exactly how I feel. I have also used the word numb to describe how I feel. I am moving, going out, doing things, actively trying to rebuild a life— trying hard not to go gentle into that good night, but sometimes, sometimes that’s just where I want to go. I feel stalked by death some days. And it is HARD, finding a new life at 62! Building a life is the work of youth, what you do in your 20s and 30s. I am constantly being pulled up short and reminded of the fact that I AM NOT YOUNG. But I don’t feel old yet, either, and I don’t know what to do with myself— I miss the life we had, my husband and I. It was a nice life, and we were looking forward to enjoying our retirement. I am doing my dead level best to enjoy the time I have, but some days I still just have to cry. That life is gone and it’s never coming back. I can live the rest of my life memorializing what I’ve lost. Or do something else. And I just. Don’t. Know.
  • Adele Aldrich
    commented 2019-11-16 17:12:57 -0800
    Hi Alison.
    13 months for me. I would take my life with Tim back over this life in a second. I am lonely for him, empty minutes, hours and days. I listen for him to call me. I still worry about him. I don’t think that I will ever find true happiness again. My financial, emotional and physical health have all suffered tremendously. I have had to give up some of the things that I love because I just cant do them anymore. And I really don’t want to do them without him anyway. I hope that time will help this situation.
  • Annie McDonnell
    commented 2019-11-15 13:03:37 -0800
    Hi Alison, totally agree with your definitions. I don’t think i am still grieving (4 years now for me) as i am not crying every day, but i am not healing or healed either, i am just empty. Like you i go out and see friends, putting on my best behaviour, I always appear to be fine, but its not true. This life i have now is a pathetic attempt to pretend to be content and nothing more. In answer to your question of this life for my old one, my answer is Yes i would swap back to my old life just to be with Gary. I used to try to push him to take better care of his health with a little saying, I told him the day he stopped breathing would be the day i would stop living. Little did i know how true that would be.