Wonderful Life

I often think about life with Mike.  I want the life and love he shared with me back.  A part of me will always want to slip back into that wonderful life with him.  I know that this is not possible, but I do not know how to stop myself from wishing for my old life to return to me.  I know that none of these desires are realistic.  And, I know that I can’t live in my reverie where Mike still exists.  I know all of this, so why can't I stop myself from travelling to our past in my mind.  Why can't I stop imagining a future that will never be?

I have spent three years in limbo.  I am not present in my own life.  Most days, I do not actively engage in my life because I am lost in some place that exists beyond time and space.  I feel sad for my children. When Mike died, they lost the Mom they had grown accustom to.  I wonder if I can get my act together before they grow up.  Raising them is my responsibility and I don't take it lightly.  I have to be present for my kids; but, as a widow, I have not found a way to successfully do this. Death robbed Mike from me and it unfairly took my children's mother from them too.

I wish I could snap my fingers and neatly compose myself.  I wish I could rearrange my grief so that my mind would remain focussed rather than filled with frazzled thoughts and scattered ideas.  I wish this life without Mike was easier.  As a widow, I wish so many things I've lost count.  Mostly, I spend my time wishing that Mike was still alive sharing his life with me.  I wish he was still here having a wonderful life with us.

 

 

Recently, I have become disheartened about the potential my future holds.  This isn’t like me, I have always been an optimistic person.  Since early on, I believed love would find me again and I was confident that I would rebuild my life somehow.  I knew it’d be hard work.  I just didn’t realize how very hard it’d actually be. 

 

I know Mike is never coming back to life.  I accept this now.  I don't like it, but I accept it. 

And, with acceptance, has come more questions. 

Lately, I wonder if the greatest love affair of my life is over and if my best life is gone with it. 

 

I have no proof that this statement is true.  And, likewise, I am not certain that it is false.  I will admit that I sense this isn't how things will play out; I think I will be "okay" again - somehow.  But, I still wonder and worry about my future because it remains unknown.  The only thing that I know for certain is that Mike is dead and he will not be part of my future.  This is the only thing that I know for sure. 

I became a widow at the tender age of 42.  As I am moving into my fourth year of widowhood, I struggle to accept that maybe the best of my life was lived already and the rest of my life will only be tolerable at best.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I am tired from wondering about the future.  I am tired of wishing for things to be different.  I am just plain tired.  Three years and 11 days is a long time to feel uncertain.  It is a long time to be wondering if life will ever be wonderful again.

~Staci

 


Showing 8 reactions

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  • Sue Howard McAulay
    commented 2019-12-02 19:28:09 -0800
    Grief is so tiring. I miss my Mark and so wish things were different and that he was here. I thought we would grow old together.
    I’m not sure what the future holds but am trying to worry less and leave it in God’s hands.
    Hugs to you Staci.
  • julie roadknight
    commented 2019-11-26 22:19:16 -0800
    Indie I just read your post/reaction and my heart goes out to you. I am 72 newly widowed 6 weeks ago. Roger was the love of my life it was 3rd time lucky for both of us, we had been together only 10years and married in march this year and like you at the moment ‘there will never be another’ and i am missing him dreadfully. I too cannot see a future without him . I am still working as a social worker this is my 2nd week back people at work are very supportive but they don’t get this ‘widow journey’ . i can so relate to being tired and the world feels sad and grey and when i read soaring widow posts and reactions it scares me and i wonder what i will be like as i progress down this unwanted journey. I wish i could give you a hug and say it will be alright but all our journeys are different . your last line affected me deeply but i respect your right to feel the way you do. sending you love
    julie (australia)
  • indie
    commented 2019-11-26 17:34:05 -0800
    Seven years come January 2020. 67 now and intellectually I know all of the obvious but emotionally I cannot disconnect from what was. The essence of him that I had for 35 years married and 55 years of knowing each other. Not because I don’t know better but because I simply don’t want to move air around just to pay bills. There never will be another. He was all I needed, wanted and gave me life. Now I exist. Thats it. And I have done more than most people who don’t carry around the sorrow of losing the impetus for purpose in life since his death. Mostly because i have had to. I want others to be able to have a more engaged life but I don’t need it. Not because I am feeling sorry for myself. I just had everything I ever wanted. And yes, I am tired. The crying, the aloneness, the visceral desire to hold him close……..I’m ready. Luckily I am older and hopefully the stress will take me sooner rather than later.
  • Beth Ensign
    commented 2019-11-25 18:15:09 -0800
    I am, as so often, following in your footsteps. Thursday will be the 3rd anniversary of my husband’s death. I have grown accustomed to his absence now, but not reconciled. I am 62 and struggling not to feel like an old widow woman, whose best years are past, who is useless and redundant. Some days are easier than others. These days I am wrestling with whether or not to sell the house we lived in and renovated from 1995 until his death in 2016, and which I have continued to occupy, struggling to keep up the maintenance. Over the last year I have gone from not being able to bear the thought of moving, to not being able to bear the thought of remaining. One thing I know: 2020 will bring clarity to my vision on this issue. I have learned, on this hard widow’s journey, that my heart knows. When I sit quietly and listen, at least the next steps of the journey become clear. I guess that’s really all any of us can ask for, anyway. Blessings on your fourth year. May your steps, when you take them, be sure.
  • Sandie Chester-Kunkely
    commented 2019-11-25 14:53:44 -0800
    And here comes the holidays. My grief becomes amplified. I have started to cry more, again, at the commercials showing couples and families. Emotional exhaustion overtakes me. I’m allowing December to be what it will be.
    I refuse to give up the hope I have for a better day tomorrow.
    Sandie~
  • Elizabeth Fry
    commented 2019-11-25 14:22:10 -0800
    Bless your heart.
  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2019-11-25 08:47:24 -0800
    Julie, I met Mike when he was 58. We had less than two years together. I have mourned his absence longer than we were together. It is not an easy way to live. I have to find a way to make my life feel less lousy. I have to believe that there is a wonderful life still ahead for me, for you and for us all. Best to you Julie as you navigate this alternate life. ~S.
  • julie roadknight
    commented 2019-11-25 03:03:24 -0800
    staci you are young and i am sure you will find love and life again. I am a new widow 6 weeks Roger and I met 10 years ago and i was 62 he was the love of my life we had both been married twice before . you will find love, each relationship is different so it won’t be the same as you and Mike had but thats life. wishing you all the love and happiness that you deserve. julie