Widowed and Scary~

Widows scare people, I think.

Even if they (we) are ordinary in appearance.

No warts on our long noses.

No narrow, scraggly, fingers with sharp nails (for poking).

Oh, wait.

I'm describing witches.

We do (sometimes) wear black though. Like witches in the storybooks do.

And I do believe that we frighten people.

Family people and strangers people.

Because we're (shhh, don't tell anyone!) dark, you know.

We carry death with us.

Some of us are even (gasp!) sad.

And we talk about dead people! Our husbands and wives. Who are DEAD!

Which makes people uncomfortable.

I think, too, that we frighten people, family and strangers, because they think we might need something from them.

Maybe money.

Or we might want to live with them, so that we have a sense of connection at a time when the loneliness is overwhelming.

Maybe we can't afford to live on our own. Because, you know, money. And because it's too freaking expensive to live in a decent place on one salary.

It's like we're teenagers again, going out into the world for the first time. Living in a crappy place in a crappy, unsafe, neighborhood. A crappy, undependable car and a job we keep only to pay the bills.

We're dating again, some of us. 

Having to play that game again. Yuck!

It's adult teenagerhood. 

We scare people. Nothing can convince me otherwise, 5 years and 8 months in. I read the stories. I talk to other widows. I see the reactions in my own life.

Even though we go out of our way to live independently and are ardent in our efforts to show how un-needy we are, how intent on not burdening anyone...

They get nervous.

There isn't a place for widows in our culture. In most cultures. Our culture shuns in a more civilized manner than many, possibly, but the shunning is still there.

Get over it. Get on with it. Stop talking about death. Don't bring your darkness around me. Fake it, for my sake. Be who I want you to be, not who you are. Do this the way I think is best for you, not the way you know is best for you. 

We stand our ground as best we can, while fighting to hold off negative energy rays coming from such people.

No wonder we're so tired.

Sometimes we cut those particular people out of our lives entirely, because we have to. 


Scary people, right? 

Especially the ones decked out in pink~



Showing 6 reactions

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  • Fran Carpenter
    commented 2018-12-18 22:47:35 -0800
    Just made it to the fourth year without my beloved. I don’t know how. I just did. This is so very true. This is even true with long time friends. Somehow we manage. The broom, maybe. The strength that keeps us going, so many don’t understand. Because we cover the exhaustion with rose cheeks and matching lipstick smiles. Beneath, we cry. Not in public.
  • Gena Lauren
    commented 2018-12-16 10:22:10 -0800
    This is exactly why i began this today, because i need a place that gets it, because 18 months after my life turned upside down, the list of those i feel i can really count on has diminished and its just frustrating and funny and sad all rolled into one
  • Kirk Kaiser
    commented 2018-12-13 15:20:11 -0800
    Thank you for sharing! I’m new to this (both widowhood & this site). I appreciate the humor sharpened by insight.
  • indie
    commented 2018-12-13 11:15:30 -0800
    I want to personally thank you for writing as you do every week and have kept doing it for so long. I look forward to reading your posts because you dig deep and expose the pain of being without the one person who made life worth living. I am five years ten months into this “widowhood” and in one way I inhabit the universe called earth and in another I am plotting in my mind how can I shorten my stay. I don’t think dying is so bad for the person left behind. In fact, I am pretty damn tired of pretending I need to be here.
  • Teresa W
    commented 2018-12-12 19:38:53 -0800
    We also scare people because we’re their worst nightmare. Sometimes I want to say, “don’t worry, your husband won’t die too if you hang out with me”
  • Marissa Hutton
    commented 2018-12-12 07:07:39 -0800
    What’s really scary to other people is when you actually call their bluff, meaning “Call me if you need anything or if you just want to talk and hang out.” but when I do call, it’s lots of stuttering and sputtering. Sometimes, I let the uncomfortableness play out because I’m weird like that (and I like to be entertained by a good show. Don’t judge me. 😊) but other times, I say “It’s ok, maybe another time.” and let them off the hook.