Widow Tired

Im Widow Tired. 

Tired of being widowed. 

Tired of milestone dates, grief triggers, and sleepless nights. 

Tired of the simplest things that used to be easy, taking me forever to accomplish. 

Tired of fearing the future, honoring the past, being in the moment. 

I want to be in the moment.  

Its just tiring to have to remind myself all the time,

to stop projecting. 

Stop assuming. 

Stop panicking. 

Camp Widow just ended. 

It once again fell on the death anniversary date of my dear husband. 

July 13th. 

I spent the entire day being very busy with running workshops, doing improv, and working with the kids at the Kids Camp. 

It was awesome. 

It was healing. 

It was exhausting, in a way thats hard to describe. 

I wish these kids didnt lose their mom or dad to death.

I wish I didnt lose my husband to death. 

I wish Don could live a lot more years, and have much more life. 

I wish ..... 

 

But those arent things

that will happen,

and so,

healing is required,

and living and working and facing hardships

is required

and Im really tired. 

I hope that one day,

in the near or far away future,

I will return to some version of

the energy I once had. 

Being tired all of the time,

emotionally, physically, spiritually,

is exhausting. 

Living with death is exhausting.


Showing 4 reactions

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  • Liz Roberts
    commented 2019-07-23 00:32:26 -0700
    Thank you for putting my life into words.
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-07-22 19:14:02 -0700
    Thank You Dear Kelley for being my therapy of the day’ Thank You for your honesty in every word’ Thank You for profoundly and precisely describing what it is to become a widow’ what it is to be thrown on the unfamiliar’ confusing’ difficult path of widowhood’

    Widowed ten months’ after a 44 year blissful’ contended ’ olden days marriage’

    Laura’
  • Karen Lawrence
    commented 2019-07-22 19:03:22 -0700
    Thank you for this. I really wish I didn’t so completely understand and relate to what you’re saying here. As a teacher, I have summers off, but July is when we were married and August is when he died. I find myself in such a funk during the summer that I don’t end up accomplishing all the projects I need to do in my time off. After 7 years, I know I need to push myself a bit harder because no one else is going to do any of this for me, but as you said, it’s all so exhausting. Good luck to all of us.
  • Cathy
    commented 2019-07-21 20:02:31 -0700
    I wish things were different too. But they aren’t, and he’s dead, and I’m trying to figure it all out, still, 9 years later. I can’t believe this is my life, but it is, so I keep trying, even tho I feel it is a lost cause. Thanks, Kelley, helps to know that others are feeling the same, even tho it sucks for all of us.