Who I used to be...

I wrote about how it felt to be his girl.  I tried to express what I think Mike felt for me. But, really, the feelings between us were bigger than any words I can write.  Our Souls fell into one another.  And, there is no recovering from a love like this.

Sometimes I wonder how I’m going to live the rest of my life with all this missing. 

Today, I went to the grave and knelt on the grass and missed him with all my heart.  I cried and I cried and I kissed his headstone.  None of this helped.  I miss him and there is nothing that can “fix” this aching inside me.

 

Godspeed to me, to you and to us all as we try to find our way through this mess.

~S.

 

 

 

She’s his girl.

A warm conversation.

A walk in the rain.

A smooth glass of wine.

Friday date night.

A lazy Saturday afternoon.

Sunday morning coffee.

She is his whole weekend.

She is his whole world.

 

 

She’s a drive down a long country road .

She’s a white tee shirt and ripped jeans.

She’s the song playing on the radio.

She’s the words in his favorite book.

 

 

She is a comfortable smile that meets his eyes.

She’s his Good Morning hug.

She’s his long kiss goodbye.

She’s the curves he admires each time he watches her walk in the room.

 

I truly took his breath away.

He looked at me with the same genuineness Every. Single. Time. he took me in.

He fell deeper in love with me every single day.

I was the girl of his dreams.

The Love of his Life.

 

Sometimes, I wore my hair up, in a messy bun, just the way he liked it.

And, he’d always stop what he was doing,

He’d pull me into him and he would tenderly tell me, for the millionth time,

“You are So Beautiful Stace.  I love you SO much”.

 

I’d smile; and, once again, I’d tell him “thank you”,

And, I’d remind him that he is so good to me.

 

Then, he’d walk up to me, and hold me gently in his arms.

He'd carefully cup my face in his hands while he looked into my eyes.

Then, he'd say in a whisper,  

“Honey, this will never change.”

And, I believed him.

I knew he was right.

 

I'd do anything to be in this moment again.

I'd stay there forever...

 

Moments later, while I was on the computer,

He'd look up, take off his reading glasses; and he'd tell me how beautiful I was - again.

And, again, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

I remember pausing in that moment because I knew, that although ordinary between us, this was an extraordinary love.

 

Now, I close my eyes,

And, I remember stopping myself and taking in these ordinary moments.

Sometimes, since he died, I wonder if any of it was even real.

How did the teacher and policeman get so lucky in love.

(At the time, I thought maybe it was too good to be true, and then it was…)

 

In his eyes, I  saw the best version of myself.

And, when he looked in my eyes he saw the rest of his life.

 

I was his cuddle on the couch.

I was the beat in his heart.

I was “The One”.

His best friend and his lover.

His life companion.

The woman he asked to be his wife.

 

I made him want to pause the days,

And, make the nights longer.

 

To him,

I was warm candlelight.

Rain on a tin roof.

Soft Christmas lights.

 

To him,

I was the setting sun.

The tide rolling in.

A soft, warm breeze blowing late at night.

I was the song in his heart.

The tune he would hum.

 

I drew his attention like the crackle of a camp fire.

To him,

I shone like the stars in the sky.

I fed his Soul like a warm dinner on a cold day.

I was his muse.

I was everything to him.

 

He saw me differently each time he lay his eyes on me.

But, it was always the same. 

To him, I was beautiful - always.

In this way, I was like stain glass to him.

Ever changing with the light, but always stunning to see.

 

I was the girl whose laughter filled both the room and his heart.

I was the twinkle in his blue eyes.

I was the softness in his voice.

The hand he held.

 

I was the one he adored.

The one who took his breath away.

The woman he chose to spend the rest of his life with.

I was this Girl - for Mike.

 

He saw my Soul and this is what he found so very beautiful about me,

 

~Mike's Girl "Beautiful

 


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