what she would want

choosing_tree.jpgi took maddy to

the same christmas 

tree lot we went

to last year. 

she helped me

pick out a tree,

something i always

hated doing when


was here.

but i had 

to do it.

i know this would 

have been a really

exciting time

for us, maddy’s first

christmas, but it 

just doesn’t seem

real, doesn’t seem

right without


this year we

did’t buy the biggest

tree on the lot,

but i know that


would have been proud

that i actually went

out during one of

the busiest shopping

days to buy one,

without her pushing me

to do so.

decorating the damn

thing was a whole

different story.

i went to a few places

and picked up

some ornaments.

and over the past few

weeks i’ve been

buying ornaments

at random places i’ve

visited with madeline,

so we can

continue the tradition

that we had.

there was no

way in hell i 

was going to dig out

all the ornaments we 

collected over 12

years of christmas.

i just couldn’t do it.


they’ll be there in

the garage, waiting 

for madeline.

so i finally found

the will to

put the fucker up.

maddy watched as i

put the tree into

the stand and 

covered the tree in lights.

i learned that

waiting until the

last minute to buy

tree-decorating items

is not a good idea.

we visited 5 different

stores and came away 

with the last box

of lights in the la,

the lights that look like a 

small net, normally used

to cover a small bush.

(thankfully i bought that tiny tree).

i also was unable to

find the little ornament hooks,

so i had to buy

some wire and make

my own.

madeline stared

at me as i cut

the wire and hung

the ornaments on the tree.

for someone who

hates christmas, i am

certainly doing a 

lot of work.

and i actually 

loved doing it,

’cause i know

that this is what


would have wanted.


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