In a recent conversation with a friend about my interest in ever dating again, I was asked the following question: "You are so strong and so independent, do you ever really need someone else? You don't seem to need anyone for anything." It actually started a month long internal dialogue with myself that hasn't quite been resolved.
What do I need? I'm not sure what the answer to that question is right now. I can more easily define what I miss. I miss the feeling of "coming home" when I would see Daniel after a day at work. I miss knowing that out of everyone in the world, he'd choose to be with me, day after day after day. I miss feeling "known" - inside and out. I miss knowing him in that way and being linked in heart and mind. I miss being a part of a team with a common goal. I miss Team Dippel.
I've read the statistics that say people who were happily married are more likely to remarry after losing a spouse. I'd agree this seems logical. I know how fun and happy a truly great marriage can be. I'm not opposed to going that way sometime in the future. I will say though that my standard for what is good enough seems to be impossibly high. I'm not sure if it is artificially high. Am I trying to make it impossible for anyone to be a part of my life? Or have I just not met anyone who meets the standard? I guess we may never know. When it is right for me, it will be right for me.
What do I need right now? I need to thank my friends for helping me redefine what is home for me. I'm not even close to finished, but it gets a little more clear every day. Thanks to my wonderful friends, like Kim and Andrea above (and many others who didn't run with us on Sunday), who are running this very personal race with me, and trying to understand my various twists, turns, bumps in the road, back tracking, stops to stretch, etc. I appreciate you all being on my team.