what am i doing?

you know what's 

not easy?

talking about what 

happened on march 25th, 2008

over and over and over and over


(you people know this better than anyone).

i lived it.

i wrote about it

and now

i'm reading it out

loud to 

crowds of people

i wouldn't know 

if it hadn't happened to me,

to us,

a little more

than three years ago.

i thought it 

would get easier, 

as i kept talking... 

it hasn't.

but it has been incredibly

helpful for me

to talk about 

it and to try to 

give people even 

a slight understanding

of what i was feeling

in that first year.


that said, 

i often wonder 

why the fuck i 

put myself through 

all of this?

is the pain

i endure every time

i open my mouth

at one of these events

really worth it?


it turns out that

it is. 

the shared experience.

that thing that 

can help us relate

to one another

and convince ourselves

that we are not alone

in this shit

is more powerful 

than i'd ever understood.

and the more

i share my experience, 

the more people i 

meet who can 

help alter my perspective

in the most

incredibly meaningful ways.

so i keep talking

and crying in public 

and it helps me

more than i could

have hoped.

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