What Was and What Is

Life is pretty good. 

Eight and a half years later. 

I have my struggles. 

I have my hard days. 

I have my really, really, really hard days. 

But I also have good days. 

And I have really, really good days. 

I have joy. 

There was a time I thought there would never be joy. 

I have love. 

Beautiful, wonderful, chaotic, messy, complicated, precious love. 

There were days when love was not something I was interested in. 

I have friends. 

Really amazing friends. 

And family. 

Incredible and supportive family. 

Life is pretty good. 

Life is also terrifying, short, heartbreaking. confusing, and unpredictable. 

As a widow of sudden death, I am forever waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

It is hard for me to convince myself that being happy is a thing that can last awhile. 

It is difficult to not fall into the trap of feeling like everything will soon disappear again, 

and the life I knew will be over. 

Its really hard. 

Its something I fight daily. 

To not give in to that belief. 

To not let the fear win out. 

To remember what was, with pride - 

and embrace what is, with confidence - 

and to find peace, 

somewhere in between. 

 

Im going to keep trying. 

Some days this feels easier than others. 

But I will never give up. 

That life I had 

is forever a part of me,

and this life continues to evolve into something

that makes me smile greatly. 

 

I will keep trying my best,

not to be afraid of all the great things

this life can bring, 

while always carrying that life and all it's beauty

with me

so it can come along

for this crazy ride. 

 

 


Showing 6 reactions

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  • Caroline Brown
    commented 2019-12-15 18:10:16 -0800
    After 8 months I have learned how much of me was forged by the love of my dear husband of 53 years. We had many activities and interests in common and then those that we did independently but at the end of a day or a week or two of traveling there was always someone to share our independent interests with. I have found that Soaring Spirits has been a balm as no words need to be spoken. The path that each one of us takes to face the grief of losing a loved one is different and will be supported by those who understand without saying a word.
  • Sharon Moriarty
    commented 2019-12-15 14:16:35 -0800
    Hi Jenny, Got your insight and perspective and it is good not to be judgmental. I am newly bereaved and I speak from my heart with honesty. So if that hurts I cannot do anything about it. Also I am an Engineer trained to analyze data so when someone is obsessing 8 and a half years later, it means they haven’t healed. Not that I expect them to. Just being open and honest and yes I have no tact.
  • Sharon Kenney
    commented 2019-12-14 15:02:51 -0800
    Jenny, from a Different Sharon, thank you for your comment. I was bothered about the judgmental tone of another comment on this post. I’ve been following these writers for 7 years and love that this is the safe place to express emotions and experiences. Let’s keep it that way. Love and thanks to all the WV blog writers, present and past. You saved me!
  • Jenny Sellers
    commented 2019-12-14 13:19:30 -0800
    Hi Sharon,

    Thank you for your perspective, but please know that we value very much our Widow’s Voice Authors who write from many years down the line, especially as they express having found a bit of peace, comfort, or joy. Knowing this is possible can be helpful in many different ways no matter where we are in our grief, and we appreciate that Kelley shares her heart, her words, and her experience each week. We work hard at Soaring Spirits to build a safe space where others can share their experience without being judged, and we look forward to continuing to provide that safe space for our authors, our readers, and our community. As always, we hope you’ll take from the blog what resonates and leave behind what doesn’t.
  • Bonnie Rozean
    commented 2019-12-14 10:13:30 -0800
    “…To remember what was with pride – and embrace what is with confidence – and to find peace somewhere in between…”
    Thank you for these words Kelley, perfect expression on how we are all trying to assimilate our grief.
  • Sharon Moriarty
    commented 2019-12-13 18:37:50 -0800
    You don’t sound convinced that “ Life is Good “ because you say “Life is pretty Good” twice. Let’s face it life isn’t good for you because you are still on this forum obsessing over your SO eight and a half years later. You can put lipstick on the mannequin and spray perfume but it doesn’t make it pretty. Be honest at least with yourself and embrace your Grief. You cannot heal your decimated heart before that.