What Now?...

This blog is a question for the Universe, I suppose.

Because I don't believe that there is a human alive, who has gone through this widowed life, who would have a ready answer for me.

I've stood in the middle of nowhere and cast my eyes up into azure blue skies...

I've stood outside on the darkest of dark nights with no light pollution around and let my eyes drift from one star to another...

I've stood in the midst of a crowd of people, all who love me...

I've stood with strangers...

I've been busy, I've distracted myself, I've practiced being in the moment, being still...

I've criss-crossed the country 8 times in these 6 1/2 years since Chuck's death...

I've workamped at an opera camp...

I've greeted thousands of guests as I worked the front gate of a Renaissance Faire...

I've done everything I could think of...

I've pushed into all that was in front of me...

And now I stand still and wonder...

What now, Universe?

Why do I feel so fucking empty in my heart and soul?

The only thing that engages any passion in me is my Odyssey of Love.

Talking about it, answering questions about it, presenting it.

It makes me feel alive.

But I can't do that around the clock every day of the week/month/year.

Honestly, unless I'm doing that, I feel empty.

Which is, I guess, an improvement over the shards of glass in my chest feeling that I carried around for the first 3 years or so.

I'm not even worried about whether this feeling of emptiness is normal at this point. I don't care if it's normal or not; it's what I feel. 

I'm just curious if anyone else feels such stark emotional emptiness like this, or is it just me?

I feel this even though I have friends and family and grandkids and people who love me and social activities I engage in.

None of these relationships diminish this emptiness. I get the feeling sometimes that grandkids are supposed to fill that space in, but with all the Love in the world that I have for mine, no, they don't.

Because, at the end of whatever day I'm living...

I'm still alone.

I close the door to my trailer, or bedroom if I'm staying in a house.

I toss all the decorative pillows that sit on the bed I've created for myself that is absolutely gorgeous, onto the floor.

And I climb into a bed that is empty of the man I love.

I don't curl up against his back, or feel him snug in close to me, his arm draping over me, hugging me.

I don't whisper off to sleep knowing that I'm the most loved, most beloved, in the Universe.

Is this it?

Another man isn't going to fill this space.

Even with another to love,

Chuck is still and always...dead.

The space next to me is empty.

That space is empty in my heart, too.

No matter what I fucking DO.

So, I ask you, Universe...

What now?

Showing 17 reactions

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  • Annie McDonnell
    commented 2019-11-13 04:34:17 -0800 · Flag
    HI Deb, I feel for you and I understand when you say no one seems to notice your pain. I swear i have been in a room full of people forced to smile on the outside, to put on my best behaviour, but inside I am shaking and screaming with pain.
  • Deb Bradford
    commented 2019-11-12 23:57:15 -0800
    The emptiness never ceases, it is continuous, & has, as they say, become my “new normal.”

    Like most wives & moms, I have akways been a “fixer.” But I can’t fix this, I can’t change it in any way.

    My only love, my husband, my friend, life partner, & father to our (now adult) children, is forever absent in my life.

    I miss his laughter, his voice, his touch, his strength & assurance, the feel of him next to me, his eyes catching mine across the room, his maleness, companionship, & those quiet evenings, where just his presence brought me incredible joy.

    After years together, we had truly become one, when he left this life, the best part of me died along with him.

    Without him, I am no longer the same person, but only a mere shadow, existing, surviving, but no longer fully living.

    Ironically, very few notice, I guess I’m like the walking wounded, bleeding out on the inside, though everything appears perfectly normal to those looking on…how little do they know. How little did I know, at one time, before death robbed me of my heart.
  • Karen Lawrence
    commented 2019-11-10 17:56:36 -0800
    Seven years for me and I too have no answers. I have supportive friends and family, a job I love but I’m still so empty inside.
  • Annie McDonnell
    commented 2019-11-10 12:11:49 -0800 · Flag
    want to hear something pathetic.. As a widow of 4 years 2 months, I am constantly in pain from lonliness, every nigtht, every weekend, so much so that i have considered paying a male escort just to stand there and put his arms around me just the numb the ache if only for a little while. I miss my Gary’s hugs so much. What does that make me…pathetic, a cheat or just desperate.
  • Sharon Wall
    commented 2019-11-09 21:07:17 -0800
    Lisa – I couldn’t agree more after 6+ years. I still feel alone and I don’t see that changing. At this point I think it’s my preferred state and I feel no need to apologize.

    For those of you new to this new world – it doesn’t go away, but it changes in that the pain becomes less sharp. It truly does get better. Reach out – we love and support you.
  • Rhona Lockshin
    commented 2019-11-09 20:53:30 -0800
    Beautifully said!
  • Sharon Wall
    commented 2019-11-09 19:42:09 -0800 · Flag
    Inescapable – the perfect word, Natalie.
  • Natalie Reeves
    commented 2019-11-09 19:25:31 -0800
    :( it’s inescapable, isn’t it? I’m very sorry you lost your Chuck.
  • Sharon Wall
    commented 2019-11-09 18:49:30 -0800
    It’s absolutely nuts! I miss Brian terribly – it’s been more than 5 years, yet it feels like he was never here. And the emptiness never ends. No freaking end to the contradictions! Thank you for speaking the unspeakable, Alison.
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-11-09 17:31:50 -0800 · Flag
    You are so right Miss Allison’ A widow of a year myself’ EMPTY AND ALONE IN MY HEART AND SOUL is what I am indeed’ no matter where’ no matter the occasion’ no matter the group’ no matter the phone chats ’ afterwards the fact is the fact’ I am on my own ’ left all by myself on this deserted path of widowhood’ Thank You for my therapy of the day’ . . . . . . Laura’
  • Annie McDonnell
    commented 2019-11-09 03:46:35 -0800 · Flag
    Hi Julie, I am a recent sign up to the forum but I am glad I did sign up, I hope it helps you, it is already helping me. Your loss is very recent and must still be very raw for you. I hope you know that people out there are reading this and nodding in agreement to everything written here. So the phrase “you are not alone” is very appropriate. Take Care of yourself.
  • julie roadknight
    commented 2019-11-09 00:51:28 -0800
    Alison you have put into words how i am feeling at this very moment. Its scary as I am only 4 weeks into being a widow. the love of my life died suddenly on the 10/10/19 and you are several years down the track I am sensing that this hollow incredibly sad and lonely feeling is not going to subside no matter what we do to distract us from feeling I cannot believe that I will never see or hear his voice or feel his arms around me ever again. We loved each other so much and even tho I have a loving supportive family and friends around me they cannot stop the pain or understand . Both my parents have died but this feels so much worse and different . i am so glad I have found the soaring spirits community it gives me hope that I will survive . Julie ( from Australia)
  • Annie McDonnell
    commented 2019-11-07 08:44:15 -0800
    fully understand and agree with your thoughts. I lost my darling Gary August 2015,he was 56 I was 52. I am still empty. Have tried hobbies and clubs..doesnt work because everywhere you to you go alone and thats a slap in the face. Sometimes the lonliness is a physical pain that there is no relief from. I hate the fucking universe for doing this to him..to us. He never even got the chance to enjoy a life without work.
  • Lisa Richardson
    commented 2019-11-07 07:19:27 -0800
    My sister asked me how I’m feeling and the only word I said was “alone”. Eight years and I’m so alone and empty. Nothing fills that void does it? Sending hugs
  • Linda Tevebaugh Keeling
    commented 2019-11-06 17:33:00 -0800 · Flag
    Though I’ve remarried I continue to miss my John… the void and ache left by his unexpected death will never ever be relieved…. I have a wonderful life now yet I so miss the life and plans I had with John…

    I guess the what now can not ever be answered enough …..
    I’ve just am breathing every breathe to the fullest I can… because my John can no longer do this and he asked me to live my best life for him.
  • Don Yacona
    commented 2019-11-06 11:06:29 -0800
    I wish I knew
  • Shellie Bryant
    commented 2019-11-06 07:51:05 -0800
    No ideas, all the same questions. I do all the things, I take care of the kids, and the empty never leaves. Thank you for naming it.