Welcome Back Grief

 It has been almost 4 ½ years since Natasha left us, and finally, it feels as though the grief is passing.  Yet, every now and then it I think that it is over, that the grief is over—but then certain thoughts start to resurface, This is not fair, why does life have to be so hard, and why are other people’s lives so much easier!

     Grief triggers are creepy because they are good at being elusive, unseen and even completely forgotten.  But like a good stalker, grief triggers reappear when you least expect it.  I gave my daughter her mom’s wallet months ago and she loves it.  6-year-olds love zippers, pockets and snaps.  Yesterday, she pulled Jamaican money out of the wallet that I didn’t know was there and my grief roared back. 

     When Anisha was 1, we all went to Jamaica for a month and it was amazing, except for the fact that my wife was regularly coughing and out of breath—the cancer had arrived, but we didn’t know it.  So, we went to India right after and everything became worse and when we came home, she was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  We went from hanging out on the beach to hanging out in hospital waiting rooms.  So much time spent in waiting rooms waiting for test results and simultaneously becoming further acquainted with the different facets of grief.

     It’s a never ending vacancy that gradually becomes fused to your sternum and you gradually become accustomed to how grief coagulates and hardens in your arteries.  Your heart slowly becomes conditioned to a state of constantly aching.  You have to accept the terrifying reality that s/he is gone forever.  Someone who misses the touch of a loved one is who you are today, and tomorrow.

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  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-05-05 07:32:17 -0700
    Yesterday was a major test for me’ after some convincing ’ attending a niece’s wedding on my husband’s side’ under my new title of widow of seven months’
    All through the dressing up part’ and in the car I was having several conversations with my husband’ having put on one of the so many wedding anniversary gifts of his’ a necklace and bracelet’ I was caressing them ’ and whispering ’ – " See’ I’m taking you along with me "-
    During the church ceremony’ I was visualising us all those years ago’ giving our love vows’ , at the reception’ as watching couples dancing’ it was us in our heydays that i was seeing’ while smiling and taking pictures’ within there was such a weird and odd feeling that how did this widowness happen to me’ how come I am not a couple after so many years’
    There and then I was reminded of the so many profound grief and widowhood shared experiences of Soaring Spirits’ unique contributors ’ – from now on being without my person – looking solid on the outside’ yet hollow within – just existing as an altered self – surrounded with hundreds of people’ yet feeling so alone – and as you so well describe above ’ just passing through the days’ with that – " never ending vacancy’ with a heart conditioned to constant aching’ and today and tomorrow being the you who will forever miss the touch of the beloved one " -

  • indie
    commented 2019-04-29 18:33:37 -0700
    I will never get used to this. I constantly ache. Six years plus…..I’m tired.