How do I bring the girl he fell in love with back to life?
I miss her.
I am working on rebuilding myself.
And, the new version of me is different.
I am changed not by choice, but by design.
Not all of me survived his death. But, the core of who I am and who he loved still remains. So, here I am using the bones of my old self as the foundation on which to recreate myself and my life. And, it is fair to say, like with any remodel, the new me will be better equipped and improved.
I feel it. I am becoming a better woman than the one he knew and loved. And, I know that the woman I am becoming will make him weak at the knees when I’m done because she’s everything he loves and more.
The woman I am now, she pauses more. She’s more careFul(l). She thinks more with her heart and less with her head. This new woman feels more. More of everything. And, in the future, I know I will ‘feel’ Mike wink at me from across the room because he’s proud of me for creating a life worth living - without him. I can feel this moment to the depths of me. It exists. My moment of rebirth is just suspended somewhere in time waiting for me to breathe it in. And, my beloved is here cheering me on every step of the way.
A friend suggested that maybe I am not reconstructing what I was; but, rather, constructing what I need to be. I think this is true. What I "want" in my mind, may not be what my heart needs. So, again, I've realized that I probably need to do less thinking and just allow things to unfold as they are meant to be.
I am trying to live again; and I admit, it isn't easy without him by my side. I am attempting to seek joy and all things good; and honestly, it doesn't come as easily as it did before when he took my hand in his. But, what else can I do but try? I will not give up. I can't just pout. Nope. I've got to stand up, look Grief in the eye, give her a wink and push her aside.
Life is full of magic and I am looking to find it. And, yes, dammit, I miss him with every stride I take, but I can't just stand still because Mike died. I love that man to the depths of my Soul, but I can not let his death define my life. While he was alive, Mike showed me how to live life with wild abandon. And, now, I intend to honor him by doing just that. So, I am working very hard to become the woman Mike knows I am capable of being. The type of woman he’d ask to be his wife again - if he could.
When he was alive he used to tell me,
“Stace, any man would crawl over broken glass to be with you”.
And, in time, I suppose, I will find out if Mike was right.
So, here’s to the man who is willing to crawl over the pieces of my shattered Soul to keep company with the woman I’m becoming. Wherever you are, I know you will find me one day. I can’t promise you it will be easy, but it will be more than worth it.
And, when you get to me, with love, I will pick the glass from your hands and I will have band-aids for your knees.
Godspeed to you, to me, to us all,