Wandering Thoughts of the Moment~

Is it progress, in grief, when you realize that, fuck it looks like I'm going to live after all?  When you realize that you must create a life because you're still alive, even if your wish is to not be alive, because you're so done with the whole damn missing business?

But you are alive and, therefore, practical shit is required, so you make up your mind to take care of, and tend to, the practical shit even though you don't want to, even as your heart fights doing so.

But it isn't so much about creating a life because you want to.  You set about creating it because you have to.  What with still being alive and stuff.

Does that still qualify as progress in grief, do you think?

Or is progress signified only when actual desire to create a life even while a heart is broken, is present?

Is it only significant when passion and interest and enthusiasm steer the way? 

Or is it progress that you at least recognize that fuck I’m still alive and I’d rather not be alive but I’m not going to kill myself and even though I was damn for sure certain that I’d die of a broken heart because what better candidate is there than me standing here with, you know, a busted broken heart but I fucking haven’t died and it seems my heart is just fine even in its’ brokenness, so….I guess I have to create a fucking life so I'm at least going to live it in as epic a manner as possible?

Does creating a life in spite of a lack of enthusiasm for creating said life still count, or do we get points taken off for the lack of enthusiasm? 

Does creating a life only matter if we approach it at it full-throttle?

Or do you think that it takes even more energy and determination to create a life with a broken, uncertain heart, but you create it nonetheless, than it does when all systems are go and you can barely catch your breath for enthusiasm?

I'm okay with my state of mind regarding all this, but my unfettered brain still wanders in this direction now and again.

Points to ponder...

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  • commented 2016-05-20 05:46:02 -0700
    It’s always intrigued me that children generally spend the first twenty years of life being told that they can do anything they want in life, be whatever they dream of being. What is not emphasized is that almost all of life is just hard work, emotional, intellectual, physical slogging through. That is how a life is created. But if you layer widowhood on top of it…well, the only thing I can think of is…watching a turtle. A turtle carries its home and all its worldly goods on its back, moving glacially one slow, patient step at a time, negotiating whatever it runs up against as it fulfills life’s imperative to survive. It is a painful, yet admirable, process to watch. But what if you dump a few cubic yards of crushed rock on top of that turtle? How then will it make its way, dig through, continue its life, that is if the shock alone doesn’t kill it? That is what widowhood is like. It is the Universe dumped on your head.
  • commented 2016-05-18 10:52:48 -0700
    I wake up in the morning (after setting alarm clock earlier than my usual body wake-up responds to) hit the snooze, then turn it off and keep lying there, dreading to get up. For what? My (also widowed) sister is at the dining room table reading the paper, I make my coffee and come out to my patio to hear the birds and open my iPad. We’re buying our family home from our sister and moving in August, with our 91 year old (widowed 25 years) Mom to care for, as our other sister moves to Hawaii with her husband. So 4 of us shifting homes, Mom selling her mountain place she lived with our Dad and we spent weekends and summers at, back to my childhood home. Mixed and emotional feelings for ALL of us. We are all sorting and purging and seeing what matters. I am sad, most of all. It’s the beginning of an end. Yes, I am lucky to have caring family and a cool place to move to. Feels very “Golden Girls”, and I’m sure we’ll look back on it as sweet days with our Mom, but right now, I feel like I’m falling down a dark spiraling slide into……??? Maybe I’ll put on some Rolling Stones music, very loudly, burn some Nag Champa and dig in the garden.
  • commented 2016-05-18 10:24:31 -0700
    I love your writing. I relate every week to your blog. I feel exactly how you feel. My grief has not subsided yet. I thought for sure I would die from a broken heart, at least I was hoping, but I am stuck here in Indiana. Thank You Alison.
  • commented 2016-05-17 22:52:12 -0700
    That is soooo where my brain is lately. I move through the days because what choice do I have but why? And am I stuck because it feels like I’m going to be here forever? Or am I moving forward by just completing the required tasks and getting through another day? And on and on it goes. So glad I’m not alone in this, thank you Alison.