learning to live life again

  • commented on The Things We Carry 2015-10-27 12:26:09 -0700
    Thank you all for your touching and supportive comments. I will miss writing here and the interaction from all of you, probably, more than I am aware of at the present time. I look forward to continuing to connect with you all and with the writers here, as we share this journey. love to you x

  • commented on Grief Timeline 2015-10-24 07:59:17 -0700
    I don’t think timelines for grief are ever appropriate. How could a counsellor equate grief with number of years married? What does that have to do with it? It is more about the dynamics of the relationship, the way the person died, other losses. There are so many factors to consider. It is so good that this site and other grief sites do not put a time limit on grief.

  • commented on This Ringing 2015-10-23 02:30:07 -0700
    The power of music is so palpable. My Stan loved music so much. Most of the music he loved I cannot listen to. It just makes me too sad. So many distractions in our lives, but the music just takes us back to where we were, and our loss of them. Thanks for this Stephanie. x

  • commented on Four Seasons 2015-10-19 10:25:19 -0700
    Thank you Stephanie. In some ways, it will be hard to leave it, and I will miss interacting with other widows in this way. I hope you will consider checking into my blog site. I look forward to further contact with you.

  • commented on Pockets of Loss 2015-09-30 14:18:31 -0700
    Thank you all for your kind comments. I love the image, Flo, of having a choice between the ‘empty pocket’ or wrapping love’s coat around us. Sharon, it is so good to hear that you would have loved your husband and married him, even knowing that you would lose him. I have felt that way about Stan. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss knowing him, even though his sudden death has hurt so much. It was worth it just to have spent some time in his presence. Thank you to Stephanie and to Elaine, fellow grief-writers. I gain so much from reading your work and communicating with you in this way. x

  • commented on On the road again... 2015-09-25 01:21:09 -0700
    Stephanie, you have been on a long road of travels this summer! I am happy that you got to spend some time with your parents. I would think that living away from the Mainland would feel isolating at times. I live so far away from family, myself! I understand the feelings that come with revisiting people and places you once shared with Mike. I am going to a ‘family do’ with his family tonight. I am sure we will all be mindful of his absence from our midst. I wish you well in your journey. xx

  • commented on Living on Memory Lane 2015-09-23 23:28:02 -0700
    Thank you Stephen. It feels good to have a sense of a future now, and to be open to it, instead of meeting it with dread and sorrow.

  • commented on So Long, Subaru 2015-09-18 13:33:24 -0700
    Stephanie, I get this. My husband bought an automatic with the idea that I would get my UK license and eventually drive over here, and, when I did, he bought an identical Honda that was a manual shift for himself. I had to sell that one shortly after he died. Actually it took me four months to have the heart to do it. When I watched it being driven away from our home, I cried. I couldn’t drive the thing, but it was a part of him, and I hated parting with it. Something was so comforting about coming home and seeing it parked outside our house. It’s been awhile, now, but I still think about that car, and hope it is still running, and that the people who bought it are taking care of it like he did. He loved his cars.

  • commented on Beyond Imagining~ 2015-08-19 00:19:51 -0700
    Dear Alison I love this. Not that you are in so much pain without your beloved. But because it speaks so truly to the pain of my daily life. Sometimes I feel like a loon and I think I am lazy or just totally dysfunctional because I spend a lot of time wasting time and I rarely get all the things done that I have told myself I must do. But then I remember what a huge feat it is just to get through these days without the love of my life, the one that was taken from me on such short notice. And I think I might be doing alright, considering the circumstances. I am now in the 3rd month of my second year without him. How do we do this? We don’t know, either. We just do it. Most days I would rather not. But for some reason I am still here.
    Thank you for this beautiful post and for speaking to the depths of loss in each of us. Tricia

  • commented on Across the Pond 2015-08-13 14:17:13 -0700
    Dear Stephanie, thanks for this post. I hope you are enjoying your time across the pond and I hope it works out for us to meet. If not, “no worries”, as they say in the UK! Do what you need to do for yourself and don’t stress about it. It may not seem like it to you, but our weather has been grand these past two weeks, and warm! Hope it continues to hold out for you. xx

  • commented on Rootless 2015-08-03 23:47:30 -0700
    Thank you all for your comments. It helps to know I am not alone in feeling ‘homeless’, as I do. I look around, here, and I see people with families and couples hand in hand, and I begin to think that I am the only one who is alone, on my own. I know that is not true, but sometimes it feels that way. My comforter is gone, and I can’t bring him back, and I guess the task at hand now is to learn how to comfort and soothe and nurture myself. Because there is no one else to rely on to do it.

  • commented on Triggered 2015-07-30 01:49:41 -0700
    Yes. We do seem to mirror each other in our grief path, don’t we? For me it was walking into an Aldi, last week, the first time I had been in there since he died. It had me in floods of tears. We shopped there often, and he loved that store. I pictured us, arguing over which vegetables to buy, him searching through the aisles for a good sale, always coming out of there with much more than we intended. Oh how I miss him. This loss has changed me forever. And the grief is always there—any little thing can uproot it and bring it to the surface, with no warning, and no way to prepare. Thinking of you. I am sorry our England weather has not been great this summer. But they say August is supposed to warm up. Fingers crossed. Look forward to meeting up when you come. xx

  • commented on Stripped 2015-07-27 23:04:34 -0700
    Dear Robin, I am glad that the posts on this blog bring comfort to you. Losing a partner is like no other loss, and we wander through the days without him, so aware of the loss, every minute. I shared a life with him, and plans for the future, and all of that is gone, swept away in an instant. I am happy that you feel less alone in reading the words shared here.

  • commented on She is... 2015-07-26 15:33:04 -0700
    My post this week is similar to yours, written in the third person. I wrote it before I read this. Thank you for sharing your life with us, the one you did not ask for, the one without him in it. It is so strange to be moving through our lives without them. How do we do it? Because we are still here. Because we must. xx

  • commented on Gone Dancing 2015-07-16 15:19:41 -0700
    I’m not afraid of death, either, and I think about it, often. Not my own death, necessarily, but just the fact that the people I love could die. It is a truth that escapes most people—but not us. We know this. We have seen it. I am so glad you had such a wonderful dream. Thank you for sharing Mike with us. xx

  • commented on The Distance Between Us 2015-07-12 11:56:22 -0700
    My husband and I were 200 miles apart for the first 2 years of our relationship. We saw each other most weekends, but every time I had to leave him to go back to my job and flat in London, it felt like another loss. He was always telling me to enjoy what we had, but it made me so sad to leave him. Finally we married and I got to move up here to be with him. I had that for 18 months before he died. I think because I had experienced so much loss, already, before we met, each separation from him was just excruciatingly painful. Now I wonder why I was so upset all the time? But it was what it was. I can’t change it now. I am happy for you that you found each other, and I hope you find a way to be together, soon.

  • commented on Without Him In It 2015-07-06 22:35:23 -0700
    Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. This new format does not allow me to reply personally to each response. I am happy that my words resonated with you. I am looking forward to the buddleia’s blooming, and finding butterflies around it. Grief carries so many layers of emotion. Maybe that’s why it is so exhausting!

  • commented on New Life, Old Life 2015-07-04 02:45:25 -0700
    Oh this is so powerful. I get every word. So many places I won’t go because it is a place we shared. The pub with great food that he took me to a week before he died, where we had a little argument. Not a big one. But enough for me to remember and regret. I loved that pub. Now I can’t go anywhere near it. NO holidays for me. Probably ever. Certainly not Christmas. I gave away all of my Christmas decorations except for this little wire tree he had before I met him. I wish I didn’t understand a word you said. But I do. Thank you for this. So powerful.

  • commented on Love's Remnants 2015-07-03 05:55:55 -0700
    Thanks, Stephanie, I like to think that I have incorporated some of Stan’s ways into my own life, now. He was ‘right’ about so many things. Sometimes I will tell him that I hate that he was so often ‘right’. I see him so much more clearly, now that he’s gone. It is strange but true. The sorting will continue, but I will always have some of his things around me. It doesn’t seem right to let them all go. x

  • commented on Unintended Solitude 2015-06-26 00:56:48 -0700
    This post had me bursting into a flood of tears. Oh. I regret so much the many times I left my husband on the sofa, with his beloved music, while I went upstairs in search of silence and space. He would have this look of betrayal on his sweet face, as if to ask why in the world would I not want to sit with him and share in his music? I loved his music. But not as much as he did. And I craved silence, sometimes. Other times, I would let him go upstairs to bed without me. He always wanted me to go to bed when he did, but we had different rhythms, and I couldn’t sleep at night, and he didn’t like me to read in bed, because it disturbed his sleep. He just wanted me to be with him. I so regret that I didn’t accommodate him more often. I feel selfish and mean. And I missed out on so much, just trying to satisfy my own needs. Were they so important? Now I have all the space and silence I could ever want. And all I want is him. God. this grief is so painful. And all these regrets. I wish I could hear it gets better with time. Maybe it does. But maybe we just learn to forgive ourselves.
    Thanks for this post. I think. Haha. Powerful words.

I lost the love of my life on the 9th of June, 2014, after it took me decades to find him. I am learning to step into life, again, as a widow. I want to carry his kindness into the world.
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