Traveler's Remorse

Two weeks traveling abroad in the Brazilian Amazon! How amazing! So exciting! I have never traveled out of the country besides Cancun, Mexico so this was a huge step outside my comfort zone. I haven’t had an actual vacation since Tin passed so this would be a break for me to soak up the experience and take the much earned downtime to recharge.

I slept more than I have in two years. I ate more than I have in two years yet now I feel more lost than I have in two years. My trip away didn’t help me move forward. I’ve fallen.I've relapsed big time and I don’t have much strength to pull myself up. The flight home built anxiety. Walking into this empty apartment brought clarity. I’m worn down. I’m tired. I’m lost in a familiar places, in familiar crowds. Just lost.

Feeling depressed, I went against my better judgment and joined friends at a party tonight. All I could see were the couples that surrounded me making holiday plans, wedding plans, baby plans. I have no plans…

I was so excited for my trip but now I realize that it was an escape from an empty life that was patiently waiting for me upon return. No one to pick me up from the airport. No one to grab takeout with. No one to cuddle and share my adventures. Tin is gone and I'm heartbroken. 

I don’t know what is worse, staying home and missing life or traveling to avoid the fact that life is missing…


Showing 9 reactions

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  • Geri Sikorski
    commented 2019-11-02 09:29:38 -0700
    Same thing happened to me but it happened on the cruise. I went with family on a cruise to Alaska, my husband and I were planning on going on this cruise before he passed. A few days in I realized how alone I was and that everyone was in a couple. It set me back and coming home was even worse, really solidified it. Now 1 year after the cruise I still can’t go to dinner or shopping without seeing couples everywhere and feeling so alone and lost 💔
  • Beth Ensign
    commented 2019-10-31 05:07:19 -0700
    Boy, I hear you! I have been traveling for 2 months and am finding myself dreading the return. The trip has been wonderful, though, and I am already planning the next one—
  • Beth Ensign
    commented 2019-10-31 05:07:19 -0700
    Boy, I hear you! I have been traveling for 2 months and am finding myself dreading the return. The trip has been wonderful, though, and I am already planning the next one—
  • Sallie Rodman
    commented 2019-10-30 22:36:15 -0700
    Just got back from a great trip but dreaded coming home. So spot on.
  • Janice Hart
    commented 2019-10-30 19:23:55 -0700
    Boy, you hit the nail on the head with this one! Seeing couples making plans for the holidays, the future, tomorrow, and I have no plans. Yes, I can travel, there are many places I would love to see, but I choose not to do it alone. Even traveling with a friend does not appeal to me, I want to be with my person, the person who knows what I like and don’t like, the person that I know everything about. I know that I am missing life, but I am most comfortable at home, where I don’t have to pretend to be okay. I am hoping that someday I will choose to change my mind.
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-10-30 17:57:56 -0700
    Thank You for sharing your experience of solo – uncoupled travelling’
    A widow of a year’ and having been the caregiver of my beloved husband for the past few years’ due to his degenerative Parkinson’s disease’ I get so called advice from my circle of friends and family’ that now it’s time for me to think of myself ’ and now that I have free time to start travelling’ But just the thought of myself being unaccompanied ’ without my husband by my side at airports and airplanes ’ just me all alone’ feels so strange and weird’ and surely it will emphasize his forever absence even more’
    I so understand that feeling of being the odd one among couples’ Recently at a wedding’ when the bride walked down the aisle and joined the groom and they went to the altar’ in a flash ’ my eyes teared up’ my throat tightened ’ as in an instant my mind went way back to our special day’ as I murmured in my heart to my husband – It was just yesterday it was you and me the bride and the groom –
    No matter where’ no matter the surrounding’ the fact and the reality is that I am the widow henceforth’ . . . . . . . . . . . Laura
  • Adele Aldrich
    commented 2019-10-30 17:11:52 -0700
    I understood completely. I recently took my first trip without Tim. To see our son and daughter in law and our only Granddaughter. I thought of him most of the time. Heartbroken that he wasn’t there to see our baby girl. He adored her. Then two more trips to places where we had been together. I saw him everywhere and dreaded coming home. But, I was glad that I went. I knew that he would want me to do things , especially with the people and in the places he loved.
  • Bonnie Rozean
    commented 2019-10-26 21:43:41 -0700
    Thank you for your post. A month ago, six months since Jeff’s death, I had a weekend away to a place we hadn’t ever gone together. I almost felt like myself. Such a relief not having everything and everyone around me being constant reminders of Jeff’s absense. On the drive home I began dreading getting home. I hadn’t felt this before. I love my home. I love where I live. But remembering the love of my life would not be there to greet me, hear about my trip, and then resume our lovely life together, was a punch in the gut. How do we live with this void? I’m finding it becoming more and more unbearable. And yet I’m bearing it. A book I’m reading, 7 Choices, suggests choice#2- patient endurance. Quite a tall order for an inpatient, instant gratification kind of gal.
  • Emma Pearson
    commented 2019-10-26 12:30:32 -0700
    so hard to come home
    and realise that your widowed life was patiently waiting for you on your return
    so very very hard