Today I am Ok But Not Everyday

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Usually I would write a blog post separate from my personal blog for Widows Voice. However this week has been a rough one, we all have them. Rather than write a totally new post I want to share a post I wrote earlier in the week that shows the dark side of grief. The side that most feel they need to hide.

I want to tell you, it’s ok to not be ok!

So today I am ok, but not that day.

That day emotions ran wild and it felt as though I was thrown back into December. To the month that shattered the world as I knew it. That day I was not ok, but that’s ok!

That day I hurled breakable possessions at walls, I screamed at the top of my lungs with no one around to hear. That day I tore the house apart, I stared at my broken reflection and watched tears fall from blood shot swollen eyes. That day I wanted to die.

That day I was angry that I have to be here, that day there was so much pain. Digging nails into my flesh and pulling at my hair, I screamed for him to take the pain away.

Does he hear me yell “when are you coming home?” and cry “how much longer will you be?” 

That day I stared at a knife on the kitchen bench and thought “I ‘am so gutless!”. That day I felt defeated. That day I was exhausted. Every day is spent wishing he were here, but that day was much more than wishing. That day I felt beaten.

Every day, he is everywhere but nowhere.

In that moment, on that day, I tried to calm down so I took a shower. But the water didn’t scald my skin the way I wanted it to. I felt desperate, as though I physically wanted to burn. My heart raced so fast and I wished it would just stop beating. Before December, never could I of imagined what it felt like to actually feel so much heart ache that you long for the day it’s all over.

Today I know what it feels like to wake and wish I’d never opened my eyes.

That day I could not find my smile. That day I was simply existing in darkness and longing. That day I felt weak.

Afraid of myself and terrified to be alone, that day I wanted to be rescued. Most days I am merely fragmented pieces of the person I once was and that day my knight was nowhere to be found. No matter how loud I cried for him, how much my heart bled for him, I know he is never coming home.

That day I did not feel encouraging, that day I only felt empty. Parts of me forever missing because I miss out on him.  That day I felt the need to confess to the world the chaotic mess in my mind, because I know I am not alone in this chaos.

There are days that we don’t believe the sun is going to shine. And it’s perfectly normal to feel this way, because we have each lost the brightest parts of our lives. People ask, how are you doing? But we don’t answer truthfully because we know only few really care. And even fewer understand.

Society doesn’t like to hear about the dark side of grief but it needs to be heard. The weight of carrying it alone at times gets far too heavy.

There are days that we crumble no matter how sturdy our walls may look. Days that we do not possess the strength and the fight to make it through alone. Days where we need someone to draw our sword for us and fight the battle with us. Days that the silence becomes to deafening but just the sound of another’s presence allows us to hear with clarity again.

Not every day, but some days…

So my plea is this. If the person reading this is a friend of someone grieving, one of the few who care, do not wait for them to reach out to you. Please try to notice their pain. Know they are not ok and it’s ok for them to not be ok.  The grief of losing the love of your life is all consuming. It does not end. Not after three months, or six months or a year. Grief will always be there.

If you receive a message that may only read, what are you doing today? Please do not ignore it.

No one should ever have to grieve alone. Sending love and strength to all on this journey.

Today I am ok.  


Showing 35 reactions

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  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-12-04 16:25:55 -0800
    So nice to hear from you, Antonella. Yes, I will give you my personal email. it is eileenlucas58@hotmail.com
    Please send me a message and then I’ll have yours. Wow!! you are still taking it hard as well. Everything you describe, I’ve been there, feel it and can’t seem to lift from the grief. I write my hubby every day, I actually have two journals. I think I have actually gone overboard with it all. It kind of disappointed me to hear that you saw a medium and it was no better for you. I am not sure what I will expect from this one, but if I could only get a glimmer of hope that I will move on in the near future. I walk around as if I don’t see anyone or if I’m the only person on the face of the earth, even though there are so many people around me.
    People have been wanting me to go out socializing as well, but my mind is not with it, and I really don’t want to do it. Like you, I know there are people who have no hope, like a brother of mine who is dying from throat and lung cancer. He has pneumonia and is very sick, sleeping all the time. He keeps telling me to have faith, but then I see him being so sick from the chemo and radiation. Reminds me so much of when my husband was sick, all the same things happening to him.
    I would love to keep writing in e-mail and also to keep in touch more.
    Yeah, I will have a look at the new site you found. I am trying my hardest to give anything a go to get back to who I used to be as well. Yeah, sadness is a great name for us, or for me, “crying eyes.” I do so much crying that my eyes hurt. LOL!!!
    Do take care and write when you get a chance.
    Eileen
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-12-04 01:01:44 -0800
    Hi, Eileen
    I’m coping. A year has now passed on Nov. 4th. Tough.
    Thanksgiving. tough. worse actually bC that was the day he went into hospital and never returned. The lead up to his anniversary was terrible.
    I miss him every minute and think of him every second. My fog is easing BUT IN ITS WAKE ARE MEMORIES and pain of what actually happened. My for was protecting me from the true reality.
    I just pray and each day becomes another. I don’t know who I am either, still working on that. Sadness is who Ive become. My name is sadness. weird. it’s all weird this world without him.
    I saw a medium. She simply confirmed that my husband is in peace and that he is close by. Incredible actually. But seeing her didn’t change anything for me. It kind of upset me bc she connected me to him in that moment and then it was over.
    I wish I had answers for you but I don’t. I just cry and grieve and try to face my new reality.
    People say to go out and socialize. No thanks b.s. when I come home, I’m sadder than before.
    I’m not ready to let go. I feel guilty.
    A bible scripture says that God doesn’t want us to grieve like others who do not have HOPE.
    I’m not hopeless just heartbroken. Made me think in a different way and count the blessings that I do have.
    I also have to think about the living. Do u believe that in the midst of this grief that I ALMOST forgot my son’s birthday. That woke me up. How can I forget my kids who ate still alive and ALSO grieving. A widows grief is soo different than any other grief.
    Let’s talk more often. I’ve missed sharing. Perhaps we can exchange emails?
    I have another great support site, if ur interested. Very inspirational.
    Let me know.
    Prayers for you.
    One foot in front of the other.
    Pretend, Pretend, Pretend.

    Antonella
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-12-03 15:23:01 -0800
    Antonella
    How are things going? I haven’t written in a while. My, oh my, how I ache for my hubby. I am really struggling to figure out who I have become and where life will take me. I’m not getting answers at all. I have gone as far as going to speak with a medium this week. I need something to get me through and at this point, I don’t care what it is. Not sure what I’m looking for, just a nudge that I will be O.K. and that I am not going crazy and that I am still in this life here on earth. Guess I am anyway.
    When does it start getting better? What about you? Has anything changed for you or are you still in a daze like I am. And now Christmas will be here. He loved that time of year the most. I keep writing songs, poems and do crafts, but he is forever in my thoughts.
    Take care. Hope you are well.
    Love
    Eileen
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-10-01 06:57:21 -0700
    Antonella
    How are you doing? I have been thinking of you and wondering if things are going O.K. Not much going on here except that the weather is colder. I usually have to scrap the ice off the car in the mornings before work.
    As for my grieving, I am having a difficult time with it and it seems to be going from bad to worse. I try to keep busy, like walking, doing crafts and reading, but nothing seems to help. How are you doing in that area? I find I need to be always thinking about my husband, talking with him or writing him. I am not sure if that is normal, but I can’t seem to get past that. Have a great week and I will write later in the week.
    Eileen
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-09-18 18:38:30 -0700
    Antonella, please continue to think about your husband. People are ruthless at times, not meaning to most of the time, but if they don’t know the pain, then they don’t realize the hurt. I will ask the angels for signs cause right now I need them in my life just to stay strong.
    Thanks for responding when I write and if you ever need to talk, just ask and I’ll be there for you. I feel better when I write my thoughts out to others and share in the whole ordeal I call crazy.
    Have a good rest.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-09-18 18:28:09 -0700
    I too have him imprinted. Every waking moment. People have said that maybe he’s not at rest if I’m thinking about him so much. WHAT? Such ignorance and no idea of the PAIN.
    I have pictures everywhere. A basket with his photos next to my
    pillow. Still not at the point where memories make me smile.
    Tears everyday as soon I am still.
    Ask your angels for signs.
    Do what your heart is telling you Even though it’s broken.
    Rest well. we’ll chat again.
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-09-18 17:23:02 -0700
    Antonella, I too feel bad as soon as I leave my work. I have been crying all week long every evening and in the morning. I even cried the other morning because I couldn’t remember if I kissed my husband’s picture or not. I am looking for signs constantly and is driving myself to despair. Hard to talk to others about this as they all think I should be well past this stage and moving forward. I think maybe part of it is that my husband was sick for 14 months and also that I was actually grieving his death that long as well. I’m sorry, I am no further ahead today than I was in March when he passed. Life is hard and it seems as if I have an imprint of my husband in my forehead and he won’t move. I cannot get him out of my thoughts. His birthday is on October 9th and we were discussing if we should have a cake for him and celebrate a little, but the two younger grandchildren don’t want to, they say it is eerie. I’m glad they chose not to because I don’t know how I will feel that day. He used to love birthdays and said everyone should have a cake.
    That will be hard for you for the one year in November. I am only in the half mark yet and it feels like decades. Do try to think of all the happy memories and be around others that knew him and can talk about him. I need to have a picture of my husband in every corner of the house and my office. That way it seems as though I can feel him.
    I hope things go well for you, try to connect with friends and do some self-care. Talk soon and have a good rest of the week.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-09-18 13:13:05 -0700
    Hi, Eileen
    Nice to hear from you.
    Summer vacation is now over and I too returned to work. Even though I get a little bit of a reprieve, I feel worse as soon as I’m on my way home. The reality keeps at me.
    I am soon approaching 1 year in November and so I am festering over reliving those dreaded days and weeks until….
    I am glad for you that you too are able to get a tiny break.
    Time heals nothing; it just makes the reality of their absence harder and longer and more unbelievable.
    I too, can’t wait until I close my eyes.
    Try and stay healthy.
    Talk soon
    Antonella
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-09-17 19:29:21 -0700
    Antonella, it’s been a while since my last post. I am back at work so time, like they say, is of the essence. They say time heals all, but it looks like I will have a long wait. The hurting seems to be getting stronger at times and my favorite time of the day is bedtime. Sad to say, but that was mine and my husband’s favorite time. I want it now because it just dulls the ache a little while I’m asleep.
    It is still summer, but we already had snow here and the temperature goes down to -4 in the nights. We have at least 6-8 months of winter which makes life a little harder for sure. I am thinking about doing some volunteer work at Christmas time and I am also enrolled in a university course. Both I am trying to use as filters to pass the time during those long months ahead.
    Hope all is well with you and you are finding solace in keeping your mind busy. Take care.
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-09-05 19:57:16 -0700
    Thanks for the confirmation and reassurance of the signs. It helps a lot. Do take care and have a wonderful rest of the week. I’ll message when I have a bit of time. Nice to have you to write to and listen.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-09-05 16:00:42 -0700
    Beautiful. Butterflies are on the list. These signs appear out of thin air and disappear just as quickly. A butterfly in a windowless office. C’mon. It’s bc were seeking and needing comfort. Our loved ones know. God knows and so HE sends comfort.
    Sounds like your support systems will help you along.
    Thanks , Eileen. Your words help me too.
    talk soon.
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-09-05 15:46:28 -0700
    Oh my, I just typed an essay I’m sure and lost everything. So starting again. Yeah, making decisions is not the best thing to do yet. My husband will be gone for 6 months on the 11th of this month. It really seems like 60 years. I have a big decision to make as well. We have a house with 41 acres of land that we only spent about three months in and that was when we were evacuated two years ago from the wildfires. Our whole city was evacuated. The house is huge, but it is what we wanted for our retirement. It is so nice to have someone who actually can understand what another person is going through, feelings that are similar, etc. I think even when I am ready to make big decisions I will get help from my son and daughter. They are so good to me. I live with our daughter, but our son is in the province where our house is. He lives about a half hour away from our new house.
    Signs are going crazy for me and I, like you is starting to depend on them to get through my day which is not good I don’t think so anyway. But you know, I got to thinking that if it keeps me going and strengthens my belief that there is an afterlife, then I will be fine. I actually had a very tiny butterfly in my office today during a meeting with a co-worker. It continued to fly around us and we shooed it away numerous times. In the end, I said, “Hon, I know it’s you, but you can’t come to my meeting, it is confidential.” LOL!! My co-worker and I just laughed. And as soon as we did, the butterfly left and we didn’t see it. I had no idea how it got in my office because my window doesn’t open and I am not close to a door. The other thing strange about it is that it was so tiny, like a miniature. It sure made me happy though.
    Take care and you came this far, 10 months and just remember that you are not alone in this journey.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-09-04 16:58:03 -0700
    I have found that since my husband passed away 10 months ago today that I am unsure about everything. I want to make decisions, big ones but I don’t think I would make a sound decision. Since we were together for so long, I am trying to figure out where and how to get along in this world without him.
    As mentioned in the blog, and especially in the early days, I just didn’t want to be here or anywhere. I still feel that way some days but mostly I’m feeling empty and uncertain.
    As for signs. I have experienced soo many and I know they are from my husband. They were/ are soo comforting but then I started relying on seeing them, feeling them. I felt connected to him in a very spiritualistic way.
    The problem? when I didn’t " feel" his presence, it upset me beyond words bc I felt like I was losing him again. Weird?
    So now, I accept whatever connection God wants to send me and I’m thankful but I’m trying to ease back. Feathers are my best friend!
    Such a traumatic and difficult journey. No easing out of this one.
    I miss him so much that I ache.
    Wishes, Eileen.
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-09-04 11:38:29 -0700
    Antonella, you’re quite welcome. Yes, the signs from my hubby is what actually is keeping me going each day. I miss him so much and I always question myself as to what we are left to do on this earth after our loved ones pass. Went to work today and just came home for lunch as I only live a short distance, and I just cried my eyes out. Another question from myself, “Is this what I want right now?” Not a lot of options though as I still have a mortgage in another province that we purchased for our retirement. Still not able to make decisions about it yet, but I guess that will come in time. I was glad to get your post though as this brings relief from someone who actually knows how I am feeling. That is so very important for me right now. I have to get back to work as I only get 40 minutes. Time flies for sure.
    Take care and keep getting those signs. We spotted a squirrel yesterday and he acted very oddly. He wouldn’t move from the fence and kept looking both me and my daughter for about five minutes in the eye. He was chirping at us in his squirrel language, (LOL) Yes, I find it very interesting looking up the symbolism of the signs.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-09-03 03:52:08 -0700
    Eileen,
    Thanks for the book review.
    It’s amazing how our sorrow is being acknowledged from above. For certain your husband wanted to let you know he was near.
    Each time I think of my husband, which is ALWAYS! I seem to find a feather in my path. Sticking out of a Bush, hiding in the grass. At the beginning, I only found white feathers but now they’re white and or mixed coloring. Look up their meanings, interesting.
    Are you getting through the days and nights? Such loneliness and heart ache.
    Heading back to work on Tuesday. Back to the " are u okay" questions.
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-09-02 18:41:20 -0700
    Antonella
    Took me a while to figure out how to get back to your replies. I thought I’d write to see how you were doing. I also have to tell you that on Friday at work I was trying to print an article for a co-worker when my computer froze. After turning it off, the printer started and only printed one page of about 33. The printer then stopped and I took the paper out of it, but then the strangest thing happened; a very small feather flew out of the printer. It was so tiny I had to put it on a sticky note to see it. LOL!! I knew it was from my hubby. He was probably trying to tell me that I need to have a bit more patience with technology.
    The book I was telling you about by Theresa Caputo is not one I would recommend. I really didn’t learn anything from it. She just basically gives a bit of info about the times she read people’s spirits and what their spirits had to tell the clients. She seems a bit unknowledgeable and sort of wanting people to rush into their healing process. That’s my take on it anyway. Some of the activities she asks for us to do seem good.
    Hope you are coping well and things are fine with you.
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-08-30 17:19:33 -0700
    Thanks Antonella for the quick reply. So nice that I don’t have to worry about seeing the feathers and knowing that you believe as well. I think I will frame my feathers also. I am so glad that I have this forum and to know that I am not alone in this journey. I’ll write more tomorrow when I get off work. Have a great weekend.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-08-30 15:59:40 -0700
    Eileen,
    I have received signs upon signs.
    I have a huge vase filled with feathers. EVERYDAY! in my path.
    Smells. My husband was a smoker. Cigarette smoke in my car when none else smokes, smoke around me in a mall. no-one there. Energy changes, heat and cold. Music. His favorite songs. I can write my own book.
    Yes, believing that they’re from your hubble provides comfort and belief that God is comforting us. White feathers are sent from angels and they mean that your loved one has reached heaven and that he’s ok. Isn’t that beautiful? I am going to put my feathers in a frame just to remind me.
    Ur right, no-one has the answers. God knows our journey.
    Keep looking up. God is there.
    No other pain like this.
    Antonella
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-08-30 15:46:50 -0700
    Antonella
    Yes, I have two wonderful children and also grandchildren. My daughter gets the brunt of all my anger and sobs. She holds it all together while she comforts me, but I am still not able to really comfort her, even though we talk about her dad all the time. She sees him in her youngest son, in our walks to the park, the love he had for nature and the whole world, but most of all we talk about him because we can’t bear to acknowledge that he is truly gone. I left work today and had to go pick up my new glasses, and I cried all the way there. Trying to even focus on what I am doing at work is difficult. I feel like I am walking around in another zone, maybe Mars or some other planet. I asked my husband for a sign today and I know this may sound crazy, but I found two white feathers. I believe it is him because that is how I get through the day. It sounds pathetic, but that is all I have right now that makes me feel a little closer to him. I then come home, look at his picture, hear the silence in our little apartment and feel that tug in my stomach that rips me apart and I start crying again. It is like a roller coaster ride.
    I will try to find the book you spoke about. I read the one “I can’t stop crying” but it didn’t help any. It just talks about the importance of giving yourself time to cry. Cry when you want to, show your anger when you want to, but like all the books I guess, there are no real answers. Everyone is different and we all go through grief in our own way and our own time. I just like hearing it from others, because it verifies that you are not alone and not going crazy. Thanks so much for listening and I will let you know about the other book I hope to start reading this weekend.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-08-29 17:32:13 -0700
    You are most welcome.
    I can’t believe that my grief has actually resonated with someone else. Thank you!
    Lucky you. Sounds like you have a loving daughter. I have boys and they express their grief closer to the chest. You are absolutely on point about not being able to help them or support them in their grief. They have lost their father! And yet, I am so consumed with grief, especially in the beginning that I couldn’t bear hearing their sorrow bc I couldn’t deal with it. I was so absorbed and all I wanted/want is to be alone. I thought I was being neglectful but I read that it can happen and not to beat ourselves up about it. I am a little bit better in that I am able to listen to my youngest talk about his dad and truly see his sorrow.
    It is so hard to parent and to grieve at the same time.
    A book that literally saved me was GRIEVING:The Great Yearning. Pat Bertram.
    She lost her husband and wrote a daily journal about every single type of grief she was feeling. Day by Day, month to month and finally to the year mark. I cried through every emotion, every week I saw myself reflected in her raw writing. I had to reread it bc in the initial days of losing my husband, I was so overwhelmed and inattentive that I forgot what I had read. I still read it. I read her entry on month ten to see what she went through. If you can find this book it will help a lot. Please let me know about the Teresa Caputo book as I was interested in reading it.
    We are part of a tough club.
    Don’t expect alot from yourself.
    Pray for guidance.
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-08-29 16:31:38 -0700
    Thanks Antonella. Just knowing that there are people who actually know what you’re feeling is so great. Nice to hear that I can cry as long as I want to. I came home at lunchtime today and did just that. I spoke to my husband about having to go back to work and not have him here to listen to how my day went. Thankfully, my daughter, whom I live with made me coffee this morning and had a note on it that read, “You got this mama. I love you to the moon and back.” Then when I got home from work she had two books for me to read about grief. One is, “I can’t stop crying” and the other one is “Good Grief” by Teresa Caputo. It is so hard to support her and the grandchildren because I am always crying.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-08-28 18:26:53 -0700
    Eileen,
    I am so very sorry.
    Going back to the " real world" was a necessity for obvious financial reasons. When I went back to work, I had no idea what I was doing. I was overwhelmed, confused and very emotional. Luckily everyone around me helped me but then I had to take it upon myself and " buckle up". I just had to and so I mechanically did my job and pretended to be ok when I wasn’t. I’d get to my car and bawl all the way home.
    People stopped asking how I was doing and I was frankly irritated that I would upset them. I reassured them that anything and anyone and everything makes me cry, so they don’t have to worry.
    I just tell people " so so". Tell them whatever you want. If they want to know more they’ll stick around otherwise …
    Take your time, cry and cry and cry and cry… for as much and as long as you feel. It’s your grief. Their lives have continued. Ours have stalled.
    I’m reaching the 10th month mark. Is it better? I don’t know about that word.
    I’m functioning.
    This site has helped me soo much. Sorrowful hearts.
    Wishing you peace.
  • Eileen Lucas
    commented 2018-08-28 17:01:51 -0700
    I love your post and that is how I am feeling right now. So much pain and we cry in silence most of the time. I cry for my husband who passed away in March, 2018 after struggling with cancer for 16 months. Some days seem to be better than others, but then all of a sudden, like this morning I woke up with so much loneliness for him all day long, the crying, sobbing, begging for him to reappear, and no answers. I start back to work tomorrow and have no idea what that will feel like. I think people are afraid to ask “How are you doing?” They just want to hear O.K. and I have learned pretty quickly to just say, “O.K.” For me, it is better that way. I don’t want others to feel uncomfortable about my loss.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-07-18 11:23:09 -0700
    OMG
    Thankyou. I was there. I am still here in the darkness but not everyday.
    I am only 8 months in. How I got here I have no idea. In the early days I didnt want to be here or there or anywhere but here I am.
    People can’t handle my darkness and so they don’t ask. I can’t deal with their discomfort so I withdraw or I pretend. Hard to keep it in.
  • Linda Poehler
    commented 2018-06-03 23:57:23 -0700
    This was amazing and so comforting to read. I pray every night that it will be my last day I will have to feel the pain and sorrow I am constantly feeling. And each morning I wake up to find I have to do it all over again. I’m successful at work and I’m able to fend the agony off for some hours, only to have it hit me at various times and especially when I get home. My family and friends have gone on with their lives in their worlds while my world is hell. My world crumbled 4 months ago after my own battle with cancer, I got the all clear and felt joy and love and peace that I had made it through my trial of life and we felt strong together. We got closer and knew that nothing could break us in life. We were warriors and after 10 years together we set a date to get married and we’re on the top of the world. Then the night we booked our honeymoon and I was about to get my fairy tale, he went to sleep and he was gone. Just like that. And every night I scream for him. We won! We beat cancer. We beat death. Except we didnt. And I’m NOT OK. And this post, for the first time, makes me feel like it’s OK that I’m not OK.
  • Jessica Delaney-Gordy
    commented 2018-05-11 09:48:13 -0700
    Your post made me feel like what I was experiencing is normal. It’s been almost two months since he died and a couple of weeks ago I became fed up with asking for help. I would feel guilty reaching out, not being able to do it, to clean my laundry or make myself something decent to eat. I had hundreds of people tell me to reach out and they would do whatever they could. I was wary to but eventually, I stared calling and asking if someone could come over even just to be there with me as I did my own laundry. Someone to make the house feel less lonely so I didn’t stare off into space or try and distract myself with movies. Every time I asked, I was told if I was lonely, I could go to their house because they were busy. I was told today was a bad day but then, they never offered an alternative either. After a week of this, I started feeling like I was being judged for not having it together after a month of my young husband being dead. I became angry and wrote a post telling people my husband just died, I shouldn’t be the one needing to reach out all the time. Of course I was not okay. I should be getting phone calls and people stopping by but instead it’s always silent. When I do reach out, I feel scared and when I get turned away, even more desperate and alone. I thanked those new to me who had been around and told everyone this was meant to help them try and understand so that in the future, if they know someone going through this, it’s important they reach out. That they try and call once a week and just check in. Of course, my post was met with backlash. I was told I was not handling it well or gracefully. That it was wrong of me to try and guilt and shame people into my life. Honestly, it just made me aware of how much I miss my husband, my champion, who supported me through everything.
  • Gail Hankinson
    commented 2017-11-16 17:57:30 -0800
    It is 8.5 months. I am not okay. I don’t see any path to ever being okay.
    I have put one foot in front of the other with the hope I would one day walk out of this fog and find myself in the world again. I seem to have only two states of being, zombie-like lack of connection or feeling to anything, or unbearable sorrow.

    I think I was an incomplete person before I met my husband. For 40 years, he made me better than I was alone. We were good for each other. Now, my better half, is gone. Sometimes it is so hard just to breathe, and I have less and less interest in trying.

    I don’t know that I will survive the loss of my husband. That might be okay.
  • Barbara Miller
    commented 2017-06-06 08:04:10 -0700
    Thanks for posting this. My hubby has been gone 2 months. When I keep busy and around others, I seem to be ok. But… when alone in the house it’s almost unbearable. I miss him so much. So, your post lets me know that others feel the same way. I hate this.
  • bonnie matos
    commented 2017-06-04 09:43:29 -0700
    I broke down in tears as I was reading this because this is exactly the way I feel. It is only two months April 9th that I lost my best friend. I know people hear that a lot but he truly was my best friend. Someone I could sit down with and talk to for hours and hours. We laughed so hard as we both have such a great sense of humor. I miss that as I spend so much time alone now. Don’t now where I am headed but my dear Lionel told me he would watch over me before he lost his ability to communicate. I can’t wait to see your face and smile again some day.
  • Apryll Apostolides
    commented 2017-01-10 02:31:05 -0800
    Hi Kaiti.. Crying while reading your blog. I just lost my husband before Christmas and your post is what I am going through each day of my life. It’s too painful and I will never be the same person as I was before.