To Survive...

06_04_09.jpgIt feels as though it doesn't take much to get me tired these days. I could be doing the same tasks I did before, only now, it takes everything out me. I'm exhausted to the core. Emotionally, I'm fine. Physically, I'm spent. I wonder if it'll always be like this... If it'll always take quadruple the strength to get through a day and all that it entails. When I woke up this morning, I thought "I survived." Survived yesterday. 

What does it really mean, anyway, to survive? Surviving could seem more like a curse than an attribute at times. When the words "You are strong" were said to me, I'd almost gag. I was disgusted. Strong? Did I ever really choose to be strong? Merely existing was a betrayal in itself. So, to tell me that on top of existing I was "strong" and a "survivor" ...I was appalled. 

But... I guess I am a survivor. Out of all things to survive from, I survive through this?! Did I know that I was capable of surviving such a reality? Hell no. But what shocks me, even now as I lay in my bed with a bleary view of my day, is that I am more... more than a survivor. I'm exhausted because I am living... breathing... prevailing. In those first few months, existing was more than I thought possible... More than what should have been asked of me. Still, there are days, sometimes weeks, when existing and "being" is all I can muster. Then there are mornings like now, when I can recognize the weeks that have passed me by so quickly and why... 

I'm grateful this morning. Grateful, for the chance to meet so many vigorous women who, in the face of their worst reality, do more than survive... unknowingly, they've inspired me to do the same.


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  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-11-07 17:45:43 -0800
    Thank You for sharing your personal experience of prolonged " tiredness and exhaustion to the core " and that sensation of physically being “spent”….
    A widow of a year’ and these past several years having been the caregiver for my husband ’ due to his deteriorating Parkinson’s disease’ I was so easily and lightheartedly multitasking a variety of daily chores ’ yet now I can’t even manage one simple chore’ so quickly I get breathless and need to take a break’ to sit down a while and then restart’ Simply incomprehensible ‘what deep changes the body goes through and reacts to grief’ . . . . . . Laura’
  • Indira Bijlall
    commented 2018-08-02 17:28:28 -0700
    This right here is so darn accurate. I jad the strength to move mountains. Work…loked after 4 chikdren…do so much multi tasking..when my husband was by myvside. After he transitioned on the 13.05.2015 i dan barely move. Where did all rhe energ went? Where is my strength? What happened. My zeal for life just left me. To complete one single task is like gaining a miracle. My lover..my everything…my all in all is not by my side and the pain is numb…i am learning a whole new chapter of life…like i have never known before….its blurry..i cannot see well…sometimes its too bright..i am lost…my focus is dimmed and my heart still beats although it died tht night u my soul maye took his last breath in my arms. It will never ever be the same again.