This Uncertain Terrain~

This landscape of widowhood.

Of grief.

The Alaskan tundra.

The Sahara Desert.

The Austrailian Outback.

Every side road in between cities and towns.

 

This parched landscape

of devastation.

This existence of one where there was once two.

I picture nothingness

in the midst of these tundras and deserts.

Nothingness under bright blue skies and a sun so piercing

It makes me squint my eyes.

The only water available streams from overheated eyes...

The eyes he used to look into, and smile.

Crawling on hands and knees, searching for something familiar,

Aching muscles and shattered self...

I don't know where I'm going with this.

It's been a rough day emotionally.

All I want is the life I had with Chuck,

And that life is dead and gone,

Same as he is.

Do you ever get tired of being brave and courageous,

Even though that's a very real part of you?

I think of myself as Thing One and Thing Two now and wouldn't a shrink have a field day with that?

I'm that woman with parched throat and hollow self, crawling through the tundra and desert,

And I'm the woman decked out in pink, foraging for hugs so that I don't lose my sanity.

Keeping the Love front and center, so that I don't lose my fucking sanity.

I'm Thing One and Thing Two and both are real.

I desperately miss my beloved husband, Chuck.

The longing for him, the yearning for his touch...that's my desert. My tundra. My outback.

And I don't know what to do with any of it.

So, I write this....


Showing 5 reactions

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  • Adele Aldrich
    commented 2019-07-02 17:33:16 -0700
    Almost 9 months of reliving my life with Tim. 270 days of waking up and dragging myself through the day, just trying to make it to bedtime. Never really finding happiness in much of anything. Remember just before they closed his casket, rubbing his stiff chest and shoulders, grabbing his sweater, wanting to crawl in there with him. I didn’t want to let go. More recently, our joint headstone was installed. Standing on my own grave, staring at the headstone. I walk around numb, and feel like I am on autopilot.
    This site and the contributors are awesome. Thanks for sharing, and helping me feel less alone. 💔
  • Karen Lawrence
    commented 2019-07-02 17:03:47 -0700
    How I wish I didn’t understand this so well.
  • Meredith Shugarts
    commented 2019-06-20 08:44:19 -0700
    This is such a reality of a feeling, there are days I wonder if this life is a dream and if it is I just want to wake up. Then I realize that sadly this is the life I have to deal with and wish this was just a nightmare and not my current life.
  • Ludy Rotchford
    commented 2019-06-20 03:14:55 -0700
    This really spoke to me. Everyone keeps telling me “I am doing great considering….” Most days I am paralyzed by my memories of Brian wishing nothing more than if he could be here with me again. I am trying to deal with the reality of being alone and not being a burden after my teenage children leave home. I know I am not dead but I am dead inside.
  • Mi Fasola
    commented 2019-06-19 17:42:26 -0700
    I understand this too well. Although I am a strong woman I wouldn’t say I was courageous at all unless my back is against the wall. I just want some peace in my mind and heart. I pray for it and I don’t know when it’s coming.