Thinking, and Overthinking~

What do you think about happiness?

The possibility for it, in widowhood, I mean.

And has the word changed in meaning for you since the death of your person?

Do you even know what it means in this life after?

I don't know what happiness or joy means in this life.

It certainly isn't what it used to be when Chuck was alive. When I felt easy, light-hearted, spontaneous...all those words to describe me and all the good things I felt during our 24 years together.

In this life, not only do I not know what the word means, but I'm not concerned about finding it or experiencing it and I'm not quite sure how it happens when there is such a sense of overwhelming loneliness in this without life.

I focus each day on making meaning of this life, and making a difference, and that's good enough for me, honestly. Not because I have a low bar, but because those are the things that allow me to be okay in this widowhood.

But I do wonder, as I look about my widowed community, if that lightness of being only returns when we partner again, when we become someone's special someone again. Even as, and I know that this happens most always, the missing of your person is always there, and there's other issues that come up when we partner again.

I'm sure that there are many in the widowed community who have created new lives in which they are thoroughly satisfied, as they live solo, and I'm curious to know from them how long it took and how they define happiness. Joy. Satisfaction. 

And is it still the double edged sword because of what is always there....the absence of that one person?

There are, of course, those who felt compressed in their marriages/partnerships. Unable to be who they were. Or with an abusive person. Or an addict. All the horrid things that can't help but leave one with a feeling of freedom upon their death, even as you grieve the end of possibilities.

For me, this isn't about a lack of independence on my part. Or fear of being alone. None of those things.

I'm lonely for Chuck. Not male companionship. And I'm not sure that feeling will ever leave me. How can it, when he will always be dead? And if he'll always be dead, how can I ever feel that lightness of being again?

Life in the wid hood is very confusing to me, in so many ways. There are so many unknowns. Well, everything is unknown, right?

It's frickin' exhausting, trying to figure it all out~


Showing 8 reactions

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  • Mi Fasola
    commented 2019-06-27 19:21:32 -0700
    My person has been gone 21 months now and I recently ended an 8 month relationship with a man I loved yet it was an impossible future so he is now gone from my life. I miss the comfort and safety of a man’s arms. I miss my husband’s laugh. I miss the beginning of a new love. I miss watching my husband playing solitaire at the table. I miss being and feeling loved. I miss myself.
  • Adele Aldrich
    commented 2019-06-26 18:29:40 -0700
    I sometimes feel like I am out here by myself. Logically, I know that I am not. Thank you everyone for sharing. 💙
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-06-26 17:33:20 -0700
    What clear description of the new reality of the one left without their person’ me as a recent widow’
    Happiness’ joy’ excitement’ enthusiasm they belong to the before’ when my husband ’ my love partner was near me ’ when his presence filled my day’
    Already I have forgotten that easy going’ light hearted ’ spontaneous ’ family gatherings initiator gal that I used to be’
    Reading your story eased my pain a little’ reminding that I’m not alone in this strange and unknown path of the “without”

    Laura
  • Karen Lawrence
    commented 2019-06-26 17:28:24 -0700
    I have been thinking so much lately about exactly what you wrote here. And I mean exactly what you wrote here. I’m coming up on 7 years in about a month and a half. I really hope I can be happy again on my own and not have to partner up to feel that lightness again. I’m so conflicted. I was so happy with my late husband and really have no desire to date, but am afraid I may never be truly happy alone. As you said, it’s all so frickin’ exhausting.
  • Geoff K
    commented 2019-06-22 15:56:19 -0700
    I really wanted to thank you. I listened to the Coming Back podcast last night and heard of your journey. My husband died from cancer December 7, 2018. It’s difficult to imagine my future without him. In the podcast, you mentioned that you are not afraid of what may happen in the future, because the most horrible thing that could happen has already happened. That really resonated with me and brought me some comfort. It’s so true, though. I can’t imagine anything worse than losing my Steve. We are a gay couple who learned to rely on each other without the support from our immediate families. It was he and I against the world, we liked to joke. I miss my wingman immensely. Thank you for sharing your journey. It may have saved my life. It means more to me than you can ever know.
  • Geoff K
    commented 2019-06-22 15:40:36 -0700
    Thank you for this post. Just over 6 months since I lost my husband to cancer. Not a Day has gone by without that horrible sinking feeling that he is not coming back. I miss him immensely.
  • Bonnie Rozean
    commented 2019-06-19 20:03:42 -0700
    Thanks for this post. 84 days in and happiness isn’t even in my vernacular. Just trying to survive one day at a time. Our 44th wedding anniversary is Friday. I thought for sure we’d make it to our 50th. Going to my second grief group for widows and widowers tomorrow. How did I get here? Thank you for letting me share. And thank you for articulating how I feel.
  • Don Yacona
    commented 2019-06-19 11:10:27 -0700
    My answer to “happiness” along with “ok” is that they are both relative things