My dearest D,
It’s been 4 years and one month since you left me. I know that you didn’t want to leave me. If it had been possible, you would have fought tooth and nail, with every breath in you, to stay with me. You couldn’t…the cancer that ate away at your body demanded nothing less than your life as its’ price. And on that April night, when the night air was filled with the fragrance of oleander and orange blossoms, you took your last breath and gave up your spirit.
I don’t know where you are, D. Do you know where I am? I’ve made everything as pink as I can, just in case you can see me from somewhere. From anywhere. Can you see me?
I keep going. I keep trying. I swear I do, D. And I will always keep going, but I need to tell you that I’m broken inside. My heart is so broken that you are gone, that our life together is no more. The heart that was yours for all of 24 years is shattered into pieces of shard glass. The heart that was yours is still yours; it always was and it always will be, but it is in pieces.
I wish I could tell you that I’m getting along without you. I suppose I am, to the outside world. I put all my energy into the outside world, living on your legacy of Love. I invite people into my world every chance I get so that I can bank the love and support they offer me. I do everything I can to keep my heart open and willing.
But at the end of the day, I’m alone and I look around my tiny trailer that is my home, and I stare at the pictures of you and I through our years together and I shatter inside because you are no longer here with me and I don’t know what to do with the sadness and emptiness. I am adrift in this world without you and I make no apologies for it.
How am I supposed to do this, D? Year after year? Yes, I’ve gotten through 4 years but what accomplishment is that when my heart is yet broken and I yearn so desperately for you, for your touch? Oh, to have you touch me again, to have your hand take mine, to feel your kiss upon my lips or my forehead..to feel loved by you again, protected by you…to make sweet and wild love with you again, our bodies twisting and turning each with the other, sweat pouring off of our bodies, words gasped between breaths…
This life is agony without you. I long for your touch, for your eyes catching mine across the room and lighting up, for the sweetness of your smile at me and your slow wink as your glance and mine meet, for the entwining of our fingers at night as we drift off to sleep, safe and secure…
You are ever my beloved husband, the man I loved above all, my cherished lover, my dearest heart, the man I love still. I carry you, always, in my heart, and I am bereft without you…