These Shades of Pink

Chuck wants me to tell you he wouldn’t leave you without a road map. He wants you to be aware of the markers he’s left for you, both physical and metaphysical.

Whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it. You’re on the right track.

Did you know that you’re surrounded by so many angels that I can’t even count them? You’re protected.

These are just some of the words I’ve heard from people along my Odyssey of Love, who have sought me out, on the roadside, in stores, in meetings. People who don’t know me, who have no idea of my story. 

They have sought me out to bring me messages from Chuck and about my Odyssey.

I’ve also heard from people, earlier on, who said completely different things to me.  I’m 5 years into this widowhood now, and these things were primarily said to me in my 3rd year. Seemingly, there is a limited amount of empathy to be given and after a certain point, one must be…I’m not sure what.

Are you depressed? You might be depressed. Maybe you need medication.

Don’t you want to be happy? It’s a choice, you know. You have to choose to be happy. Don’t you want to feel joy again?

Why do you call yourself a widow? You’re more than that, you know.

So, here’s what I know, 5 years in.

Chuck did leave me a road map. And there have been markers all along the way of my Odyssey of Love.  They have shown up to me as Love. From people I meet along the road, the workamping jobs I’ve found, and the words that he spoke in his years on this earth that I live by; suit up and show up and let the day unfold.

Keeping my heart open, no matter how devastating all this is, no matter how impossible it is to breathe without him….keeping my heart open has led me right to where I am and brought so much Love into my life. Love has kept me focused, no matter anything else.

And I’m beginning to believe that I am indeed surrounded by angels of protection. In my 5 years solo on the road, I’ve not had one negative experience. Ever. On the contrary, people have been warm and loving and helpful and encouraging.

I’ve known all along, even in the early days, that I just need to follow my heart. Not my brain. My heart. It’s all that I know to trust since his death. It has never led me wrong. I don’t plan long term, even a month in advance, because I don’t know what is going to occur that will change whatever plans were already made. And it doesn’t bother me in the least, not knowing where I’m going. I’m here, where my feet are standing. That’s good enough for me.

Happiness isn’t a switch to be turned on, like a lamp. Honestly, I don’t think about happiness, or joy. I think about Love and making a difference through Love each and every day with each and every person I meet. Happiness is a by product of making meaning of this life, if anything.

I’m a widow because my husband died. I was his wife, he died, I’m a widow. I don’t like that I am. It’s devastating that I am, but he died, so… wasn’t a choice I had. Now, in addition to being a widow, I am also the most magnificent, luminous FWG you’d ever want to meet. I am the most powerful woman in the world, because Chuck loved me so much in life and I feel his Love even more strongly now, if that’s possible.  I am showered in, and surrounded by, his left behind Love.

And, because of that, there ain’t no stopping me.

Just watch me, world. Just fucking watch me do this life, in his honor, for the Love we had, and have, and for Love, period.

And I’m doing it all in the most delightful shades of pink.

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