I spent some time last week reading through my old journal. I wrote in it almost every day for a year after Daniel died. Every once in a while I read through it to remind myself of how far I've come. It's been over a year since I've looked at it, and it was some rough reading. I felt so sorry for that poor woman (yes, me). It was painful to relive those moments and read the anguish in my words. Sometimes, I still feel that intense anguish, fortunately most of the time it is a low level regret and sadness.
January 31, 2006 (the picture above was taken a month or so later)
I haven't been sleeping well. There has been some sort of critter under the house making so much racket, and Osa walks through the house whining. Jeff finished the underpinning yesterday, so whatever was under there was stuck for over 24 hours. Chris and I opened up the entry door, and hoped it would come out. Minutes later a cat comes out and then runs back in. Minutes after that....a possum came out! There was a cat and a possum under the house! I shut the door on the possum, but the cat is still under the house. I'll try and get it out in the morning.
I've been having a really hard time lately. I just miss you so much. Grayson realized last night that you won't be here for Mother's Day, Father's Day, or his birthday. He cried. I told him I was sorry and that we would have to try to make those days extra special. My poor baby boy, he's only just realizing that you won't be here for so many things. He asked me if if he could call you and if you have your cell phone in Heaven. It was so sweet and so sad. We both wish we could call you. We both wish it was our turn to go to Heaven so we could be with you now. We miss you so much.
I'm really struggling. I wish I could talk to you. You are the only person who knows me, all of me, warts and all. You are the only thing that would make me feel better, and I can't have you. I hope I am being a good mommy to Grayson. Sometimes it is just so hard without you. We both miss you so much. We try to make each other feel better. Sometimes it helps.
I love you.
(the cat stayed under the house for over a week - not sure what it was eating, but it lived) We are so much better than this now. We have our bad days, but they are so few and far between. Four years ago when I was writing these heart broken love letters to Daniel - the bad days were a way of life. We made the best of it, but our best then was pitiful.
I would have never thought then, that I'd be soooo much better now. Re-reading my own thoughts at that time is powerful stuff. If I ever doubt how far I've come since then, my own words leave no doubt in my mind. Time doesn't ever fully heal and you don't forget, but you do change and the pain you carry with you becomes a part of you in a way that isn't bad. It just is. I appreciate things now in a way I never could have before. I'd rather not know what I know now. I'd rather my life had stayed the way it was. I'm grateful though for the ways that living that experience has changed me. I was changed by loving Daniel and changed by losing him.
This picture is us now. My little guy has grown so much on the outside, and I've grown so much on the inside. I'm pretty proud of both of us.