The White Rabbit

Alarm goes off and it hurts to get out of bed. I was asleep by 10 pm last night and it’s 5am now. That’s 7 hours! 7!! Why am I exhausted? Up I go and into the bathroom. Brush my teeth, get dressed, take meds, get yelled at for food by the cat, walk the dog, pack my lunch, rush to eat breakfast, gym for 1 hour, catch up on texts, emails and Facebook on the elliptical machine…Breathe…

Work at 8am! Work is so busy there isn’t a break, meeting, questions, meeting, annoyed guest, annoyed staff so no lunch, meeting, sudden change in the day’s plan and I’m supposed to be out by 4:30pm yet it’s 5:15pm, off to the grocery store, check the mail, get greeted by the dog, get yelled at for food by the cat, put the groceries on the counter, take the dog on a walk and catch up on texts, emails and Facebook…Breathe…

Back in the house, phones going crazy because everyone else is off of work and asking for things, make the dog dinner, take a shower, probably laundry but the laundry from 2 days ago is still in the washing machine so re-wash and realize there is still clothes in the dryer so you add them to the pile on the living room chair….Breathe…

So what’s next? Put on the tv so you can hear what disasters are occurring in other people’s lives…Breathe ---Ahhhhhh!!!! I haven’t eaten since like 7 am!

Look in the fridge. Look in the pantry. Back to the fridge. Maybe the freezer? Kind of not hungry but might as well. Pasta and meatballs? Too many carbs. Meatloaf? No that takes too long. Soup? What are you nuts, it’s Summer. Ok fruit? Too many carbs! Alright then so a salad with chicken and Olive Garden Dressing! Yum! Wait so the pasta and fruit are both no but the high calorie salad dressing makes the cut? But now I’m hungry and I do love that dressing. It’s fine I need to eat. Ugh the salad bag went bad. I’m done. Dinner is cereal! No milk! AHHHHHHHH! Greek yogurt will have to do. Sit down to eat and the phone rings, washer buzzes, Facebook messages ding. You mute your phone and pick up the remote….Breathe --- Ahhhhhhh the cable isn’t working. The connection needs to be reset! Why right NOW?!?!

Lost my appetite so clean the dishes or it’s more to do tomorrow. Switch the laundry to the wash. How is it 9pm? Cable is working again. Sit on the couch and check your phone. Dog is whining because of something. I don’t know. Oh wait you haven’t spent time with him. Put the phone down. Cuddle with the dog…..Breathe….

Phone goes off and the dog exhales in disgust…..

“Sorry Buddy”

Text message is your Mom that you forgot to call

“Sorry Mom, I’ll call tomorrow”

Text message from a coworker that you need to get more done for work

Umm remember when I didn’t get lunch and stayed late today but…

”Sorry I’ll get to it tomorrow”

Dog huffs

            “Sorry Buddy”

Dryer Dings

            “Damn it”

It’s 10 pm and tomorrow starts early so forget the dry clothes I’ll get to them tomorrow…

Shut off the lights, dog sulks to bed, cry a little because it’s your fault and you don’t know what to do because all of a sudden you have to do everything all by yourself and all the people that ran to your side have suddenly disappeared than returned like nothing happened and are demanding you time but where is the time going? Text ding. Ugggghhhh!!!! What time is it? What??? 11pm! I’ll be exhausted. I have to go to sleep! I’m late! I’m late! Down the rabbit hole to sleep. It’s dark and quite for a minute…Breathe in. Breath out…

“Off with his head!”

The alarm goes off and this rabbit jumps back onto the hamster wheel….I don’t know why that pocket watch is running faster and faster but my Cheshire Cat disappeared. I don’t want to drink anything. I don’t want to eat anything. The Queen of Hearts has stolen mine own heart. A caterpillar is blowing smoke in my face and all my friends have come back to my new “table for one” acting crazy yet somehow I’m the one who feels like the damn Mad Hatter.

I’m not crazy! They all don’t understand that life without you is incredibly lonely yet so busy that my life is a blur….I miss you so much Tin…

Breathe Bryan. Breathe….


Showing 4 reactions

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  • Bob Frumkin
    commented 2019-01-05 20:09:04 -0800
    Hey Bryan,

    I lost my wife to Ovarian Cancer Thanksgiving day 2018, so about six weeks ago. Being six weeks out from this, I know, I know nothing. But I do know this, tramatic experiences change us, whether we like it or not. We really don’t have much choice in the matter. Probably the worst thing we can do is try to squeeze ourselves back into our pre widowed self somehow because no matter how hard we try, we’ll never fit. How have I gathered all this wisdom in 7 weeks? Because unfortunately, I have had to rebuild my life before. We like easy and there’s nothing easy about it. We like a quick fix and there’s nothing quick about it. We adjust somehow over time and add things to our life. We gather tools for living and use them to build something for ourselves. We dig deep for strength and resilance we never knew we had. We help ourselves because we have to, the other choices are just too bleak. God, goodness, karma, the universe or whatever you call devine power helps those that help themselves, that’s all I know. So help yourself as much as possible and the rest will somehow fall into place.
  • Antonella Totino
    commented 2018-08-02 12:29:22 -0700
    That is, this is my life too.
    Alone. every chore, every decision now gets done alone.
    Hard, but everything will get done. To hell with the laundry. I have clean clothes in my closet.
    I’ll deal with them another day.
    Deal with what you can handle.
    No-one comes over anymore anyway!!!
  • Linda Kirby
    commented 2018-07-29 23:19:39 -0700
    Can so relate. Realise though that life for anyone living on their own can be the same. You can’t help yourself though, and I think the overly busy lifestyle has become habit, as stillness gives you too much time to think.
  • Denise DiGrazia Lishefski
    commented 2018-07-29 17:22:31 -0700
    Bryan, this is so true. I actually find myself getting angry because of having to do everything now. I guess we all just need to breathe and find our own rhythm.