The Vastness of the Empty Space~

I wonder at the vastness of this life without him…

This life of widowhood.

How do I live in such a huge space?

How do I locate myself in such a huge space?

Where do I go now, with all the questions

That have no real answers?

What do I do with the emptiness

Of that space beside me

Where he once stood with a smile and an open heart?

What do I do in this vast space that feels filled with a confusing

Mixture of emptiness that is pain but is also emptiness….is pain and I know that makes no sense but

I don’t know how else to explain it

Because we all know it really can’t be explained, can it?

What do I do when

The language I seek no longer speaks what is deep within that emptiness/pain

So I just sit and stare into..well, emptiness,

And, I regret to say, my face more than likely assumes the resting bitch look when

It is really my I’m not really here but I know I look like I am look…

Where do I go when words fail me, yet my heart and soul are filled with feelings and emotions and words must be spoken so they trip from me maybe incoherently

Or maybe in tears?

I do believe I’ve reached the point where my words become liquid

Liquid that beats from my heart to my veins through my blood to my brain where that liquid seeks to become words but words no longer suit or fit

So the words flow to my eyes and trickle or pour out depending on where I am and how I am.

But whether words or tears, whether trickling or pouring, they come from the vastness of that empty space

and become nods of oh yes I get it!  from sister and brother widows.

And a little bit of that space gets filled~ 

Showing 3 reactions

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  • indie
    commented 2016-12-05 19:15:16 -0800
    Beautiful…….captures the essence of emptiness.

    We hurt so much and we are grateful for your writing about how immense the hurt is.
  • Sarah Treanor
    commented 2016-12-01 05:00:03 -0800
    I love this. So beautiful. The vastness of that space, this idea really stuck with me. It must be why seeing the Grand Canyon right after he died was so perfect. As vast as that canyon was, is how vast the space inside me felt. It felt like the earth understood such expanses in a way people often don’t. I am saving this… So beautiful and though you search for words, you did find a few today that gave me words I didn’t have. Thank you my friend!
  • Lisa Richardson
    commented 2016-11-30 10:51:03 -0800
    Alison this captures exactly how I feel most evenings when daily “busy-ness” slows down and I’m alone……again.