The day began with tears. Its brutally unfair were my thoughts. He should be here! Where is he?
My stomach in tight knots I felt physically ill. He would have been 30.
The day was spent with family. Reminiscing and sharing stories. Keeping busy, we laughed, we ate, and we supported each other. Sending balloons up into the clouds the physically sick feeling returned and I choked swallowing my tears.
I thought that once the day I dreaded was over, the mood I had felt intensely the past week would lift. I was wrong. The following day was worse. Maybe it was the shock and disbelief wearing off, the lack of distractions the denial I sometimes live in.
Denial that was taken away in an instant with the sound of his voice. “Close your eyes and listen” Unexpectedly and unprepared I leaned into the mobile phone being held to my ear. I closed my eyes and listened in wonder.
Wonder turned to warmth at the sound of his voice. And with eyes closed it felt as though he were speaking straight to me. For a moment I felt as though he were here. The most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.
Tears welled and the ache for him returned, but as much as it hurt, feeling as though he was here with me for even a fleeting moment made the pain worthwhile.
Alone later with my longing that evening I drove to our special place. A lighthouse on a cliff where we use to spend a lot of time together. There is no fear felt there even on the darkest nights. The wind blew through the trees and I could hear animals rustling about the fallen leaves.
Feeling lost in emotions I cried and the thought of ending it all crossed my mind. I reminded myself though, I’ve been here before. The place where I almost lose myself. I thought of all the things that have made me smile between that moment and the last time I found myself in desperation. I refuse to miss out on those moments of joy. I remind myself how far I’ve come and that I am not alone in this.
I am the strongest I have ever been in this moment. We just need a reminder sometimes. So in case you forgot, you’re a masterpiece.