The Song in Your Heart

Sometimes a song is a gentle reminder an sometimes a song is a stick of dynamite…

I woke up feeling more relaxed than usual today. I went to the gym before work and felt centered and ready for the workday. I have a 5 minute drive to work which usually happens in a blink of an eye until Adele comes over the radio. Tin absolutely loved Adele. She was his girl! Anytime Adele came on the radio the volume went to max and he belted out whatever he thought the lyrics were. I have heard her song since his passing. They bring me some sadness and other memories. Today felt different. My heart sunk as she began to sing and I began to break down.  My right arm was on the arm rest and I felt someone hold my hand and squeeze. The feeling passed when I looked down at my hand but I didn’t feel alone in the car. Tears came full force and I had to change the station – Work was 3 minutes away and I couldn’t show up as the manager for the day with red eyes and a broken heart on my sleeve.

I pushed through the day staying busy and keeping a river of notes from bubbling up and forming more emotion evoking harmonies. I was efficient and effective for my day job and immediately went to a vendor event next for my second job. We drank wine and socialized. They began to play music and the first song out wasn’t Adele, It was “Sugar Pie Honeybunch” - My late father’s song for my sister. I had let my guard down and the notes pulled another chord of my heart. Fast paced questions about products generated immediate distraction and I sailed through the stormy song without alerting to anyone I was in possible emotional peril. The coast had cleared and a neighbor stopped by to ask how I was doing since Tin had passed. More chords struck and I couldn’t hide looking at the floor and putting my hands in my pockets. I jumped onto another topic but the choir of “I’m sorry for your loss” echoed again and again in the background.

With the event over I had to pack up quickly and run home to my dog Roan. He had been home by himself a little longer than normal. As always, I’m greeted at the door by my best friend who covers me in doggy kisses and piles of fur. It’s my favorite time of the day.  Late, dark and quiet we wondered around the apartment complex as I messaged my sister how the night went. I got home, made us dinner and finally ate at 9pm. I took a breath and, sank into the couch and dropped my defenses. The feeling of being alone suddenly left and Roan looked up in the room. A wave of sadness came over me and a song from my past came up from the chords of my heart and I lost all control.  I can’t get the song out of my heart and I can’t keep the damn under control today. Tin I miss you so very much.

I’m in love with your ghost…

Ghost

Indigo Girls

There's a letter on the desktop that I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams

And the Mississippi's mighty
But it starts in Minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess that's how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown

And there's not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
I'm in love with your ghost
I'm in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret (don't tell a soul)
That gets whispered in a hush
When I wake the things I dreamed about you (don't tell a soul)
Last night make me blush
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
I'd walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
I've never been this close
In love with your ghost, ooh

Ooh
Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I can't touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free


Showing 3 reactions

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  • Jane Santa Hess
    commented 2018-10-02 17:18:14 -0700
    Music brings me to my knees and I struggle to listen to any beautiful songs without breaking down. I hope to get through that eventually so I don’t sob in the grocery store or Hobby Lobby. Music brings us close to intense love and heartache. I am praying for relief soon.
  • Linda Tevebaugh Keeling
    commented 2018-09-22 17:09:44 -0700
    You described ALL the hard stuff and heartbreak so beautifully… thank you.
    All of US here is here for you.
  • Linda Tevebaugh Keeling
    commented 2018-09-22 17:09:44 -0700
    You described ALL the hard stuff and heartbreak so beautifully… thank you.
    All of US here is here for you.