The Never Ending Story

Is loneliness the never-ending story of widowhood?

Does it end if we find another chance at Love?

Does the loneliness exist, even then

Because the loneliness is specific to that person, your person, who died?

Is there ever a moment again

When a widow’s heart feels that lightness of being,

Once felt?

Or is the heaviness, the ache, the sadness of that particular loneliness

A lifetime sentence in the so called new normal?

Because, no matter what I do, where I go, how I push, how I involve myself in life, in relationships with family and friends, no matter how much I join in, engage, power on,

That loneliness doesn’t leave my heart, my soul, or my body.

Counseling and therapy for anxiety and trauma…EMDR, bi-lateral brain stimulation, talk, tapping, retreats, meditation, new environments, connections with others…I’ve done it all, and I continue doing it all…

And…the loneliness that only intensifies as the years pass by.

973 days. 21 hours. 34 seconds. Since Chuck died.

I’m very definitely not the poster widow for getting over the grief.

It isn’t the chest slicing grief of the first 3 years, so I guess that’s good, right?

It’s more a sort of numbness, even though I feel so much, which is contradictory, I realize.

I long for him more as the years go by.

My body craves his presence next to me.

It all feels so fucking relentless.

This feeling. And, honestly…life.

I’m doing all the shit and creating beauty around me.

And that default heaviness of my heart and soul is ever present.

Is this the rest of my life, I wonder?

And how can it not be, really?

He’ll always be dead

And missing from me and I’ll always long for him,

Because he isn’t here.

Nor will he ever be here again.

His deadness is relentless.

I want to wake up from this

And I know I never will.

Will I ever feel the lightness of being again that I felt for 24 years?

Questions and more questions.

And

Dead

Dead

Dead.


Showing 8 reactions

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  • Colette Perfit
    commented 2018-09-29 14:00:10 -0700
    This. I feel you.
    Keeping busy, socializing, excercising, making strides, and the there is still that dark hole of sorrow, loss and devastation. Dead dead dead. 😢
  • Cathy
    commented 2018-09-25 17:44:18 -0700
    I miss him every hour of every day, still, after 8+ years. I’m dumbfounded that it been that long and I’m still in this state of mind, but the heart wants what it wants, and I grieve sometimes like he died yesterday. Yes, I function better, too, as time moves on, but I’m stuck in wanting my person here. My goal is to try to communicate to others that you don’t ever get over a loss like this, it will be with you forever. Some understand (altho not really because they are still a couple). Yep…dead dead dead.
  • Vickie Hammerlun
    commented 2018-09-25 06:33:51 -0700
    My husband died suddenly & unexpectedly from a heart event. No warning of any problems. Four days before our 42nd Anniversary. I look like I’m living again but I’m not; I’m going through the motions. I’m like a robot from the 60’s sci-fi films. I play a part & function like a normal person, go out, travel, converse. But it’s not me; I died right along with my husband. Thank you Alison, for your words. Fifteen months, 8 days, 4 hours…..still counting.
  • Mary Farmer
    commented 2018-09-24 20:34:31 -0700
    I feel as if you ripped this from my very mind and soul. My therapist tells me, I wish all of my patients were as diligent as you in doing everything right. I exercise, I go to therapy, I work, I travel, I have tried any and everything and I am still very lost and lonely. I watch other widows who can be so very happy and continue to thrive in their life, why can’t I???
  • Beth Ensign
    commented 2018-09-24 19:56:49 -0700
    Oh, how I feel your pain! I have widowed friends who assure me it DOES get better, after a few more years. But I feel frozen in loneliness right about now, and I dread the season coming. My husband of 30 years was killed on his way to work the Monday after Thanksgiving 2016. I made it through that first December because I was numb and in shock. Last year I did things to commemorate him, but this year it just seems blank and cavernous and empty. Dead. Dead. Dead. Indeed.
  • Susan McAlpine
    commented 2018-09-24 17:19:47 -0700
    Oh my..l thought I was the only one thinking this! It’s 1 year, 4 months, 29 days and 18 hours since my soul mate died. It occurred to me recently that despite how people talk, grief never ever ends. Others in one’s circle who haven’t been in our shoes don’t always get it. After a year, they seem to assume things are going better. Yes…marginally. I don’t wail and sob all day every day, but I still have those despondent days. Despite having a lot of social connections, involving myself in activities, keeping as physically busy as I can that hole in my being is always there…the loneliness. ❤️
  • indie
    commented 2018-09-22 00:43:47 -0700
    Cant seem to get anyone else to understand that this loneliness, I call it “this missing” of him will never stop. And I cannot, in all honesty, live without him. And yes, it has gotten worse over the years. Different in how it manifests itself, (the pain) but its still here.
    And I too have done it all and it does make a damn bit of difference. I keep going because I have to, not because I want to. I long for the day I don’t breathe.
  • Sharon Wall
    commented 2018-09-20 19:21:59 -0700
    I have the same feelings and the same questions, Allison. And it’s his birthday today and mine tomorrow. Birthday month used to be such fun.