So if you read my last blog, I was pretty stressed last week waiting for blood results and I’m happy to say everything is fine so I guess my stomach issues were really emotionally based. I do want to take a moment to thank everyone who has read my blog and the kind comments. I haven’t commented which has struck me by surprise since I am typically a talker.
Knowing that I had a blog entry to write, I thought about the kind of week I had dealing with Tin’s first birthday. It had been week after week of tough first days and this week was finally quiet. My mind is suddenly quiet. Today I realized, in my efforts to make it through the days, I am running from one task to another. I had told myself that I had to deal with my loss and not avoid it with a full schedule. Funny how you elude your own rules without realizing you are disobeying yourself. The heart wants what it wants.
Back to why I haven’t responded to comments on my blog. I feel like my blog entries communicate what I feel exactly when I write them. Once it’s published, I have to accept my truth. I feel like adding more comments change the raw truth in the post. Almost like commenting would be some strange version of backtracking. I’m sure as I continue to process losing Tin I will find it easier to engage in comments but right now it feels strange. I do love the comments so please continue. This is such a great group!
I’m realizing a new side of myself. Humor, talking and staying busy are not my only coping mechanisms. I can go quiet. I was a bit terrified to be caught in the silence but right now typing this post I actually feel relaxed. I’ve been so worried about stopping in fear of my new lonely normal. Ironically this deafening quiet is accompanied by an unfamiliar sense of calm.
I guess the loudest sound is sometimes no sound of all…