This is a list. Not a gratitude list necessarily, but a list that does include some good shit, nonetheless. And sometimes it’s easier to write in list form than prose form.
This past weekend I had a massive, huge, meltdown/purge/nervous breakdown. Included were earthquake size shakes throughout my body, shallow breathing, sobbing, gut-wrenching pain, and an awareness of almost leaving my body. I also vomited up bile that I knew damn well was grief. As exhausting and physically and emotionally demanding as it was, I had no fear throughout and was able to identify at each moment what was happening in my body and connect that to my emotions. It was horrid, but I got through it, with the support of my daughter.
This was followed up later in the day by a Reiki healing session with my daughter, who is a natural born healer. For one hour I relaxed more than I’ve relaxed in 3 years.
Monday I had a counseling appointment at Luke AFB clinic and talked through the meltdown/purge. He told me it was a sign of progress. I spoke of how easy it would be for me to go on meds, but how inhibiting it would be to my soul to do so, because I know damn well...have known since Chuck died...that this is a soul search and drugs will inhibit the very sacredness of this experience.
Tuesday I met with my trauma therapist who led me through a new protocol of visualization that assists in dissolving the connectors between an emotion and a thought (I think that’s the process). We worked on my feelings of sadness and yes, I can tell a difference. Next week we’ll do more EMDR and use this new protocol to work on my sugar addiction.
At the same time as I recognize that, yes, all of this work is paying off, there is also a sense of panic that I am abandoning Chuck again by detaching from the trauma and grief. My counselor, therapist and my daughter all say the same thing: that this is leading me to a sense of self again, at which point I’ll finally be able to have the good shit in my head and heart rather than the grief and trauma. I’ll have to trust them on that.
This Friday and Sunday I’m going to Phoenix to receive a blessing from Amma Sri Karunamayi, who is an Indian holy woman. I figure I can use all the blessings I can get. And Sunday is a fire ceremony, in which special prayers are spoken and offerings fed into the fire. It sounds like exactly what I need right now.
Today I connected with a group of people on face book who are all military retirees who RV full-time. Once I’d put up a picture of my rig, with a short synopsis of my Odyssey of Love, other group members began commenting about how they’d met me at Joint Base McChord in Washington State, or the base at Millington TN. Or Sigsbee in Key West. All day were comments from people I’d met along my way as I stayed at military famcaps. It felt like hearing from family.
And....drum roll....the wings were attached to my rig and she looks more magical than ever. I found the guy who affixed them through google. He did the job and PinkMagic (my rig) looks exactly like I knew she would. And he didn't charge me for any of his work. He just hugged me and told me to be safe on the road. Lettering is coming soon, and then I’ll be ready to roll.
Here’s a picture of her. My rig, I mean. Maybe it will brighten your day, looking at her. Inside are pictures of me and my husband, Chuck, through our years together. Every bit of my rig, inside and out, is a testament to our love, and the love he left behind for me.
Can you imagine driving down the road and seeing this? The responses I get from the people I meet are what has kept me going since Chuck died.
It’s what will keep me going...