The End is Lurking

Lately, Ive been feeling some sort of way. 



Sick, but not like flu sick. 

Heart sick. 

Soul sick. 

Something feels off. 

I feel off. 




Everything seems like

Slow motion. 

Im not quite sure what this is. 

But I do know what it is. 


I think this might be my life now. 

This might be "grief, in the aftermath."

Grief, six years later. 

Grief, mixed with new love. 

It feels heavy somehow.

Like Im suddenly more aware of the constant


and the knowing, 

of Death. 

The knowing,

that the End is Lurking. 

That people die.

And that more people will die.

More people I love will die.

I will die. 


Nobody really talks about the sheer terror,

that comes from knowing,

that one day,

you will die.

You just will cease to exist. 

Why does this thought not horrify people, 

every waking hour?

I often feel crazy,

for thinking about it,

so much,

but I do.

It floods my heart.

I wake up in a cold sweat,

and my body shivers,

with the thought of: 

"One day I wont be here. 

I wont exist. I wont be aware of life.

It will just be over." 


I think that people are so terrified

by this thought, 

that they dont allow themselves

to go there,

or they convince themselves,

that life, 

in some form,

exists after Death. 

I do believe that 

we are energy,

and our energy lives on. 

But what that means,

or feels like,

I dont know. 

What if it feels like nothing?

I wont know.

Or maybe I will. 

Either way,

I think about this sort of thing,

at random times,

and it sits there in my heart.


I ache at the thought of Don being dead. 

It pains me that he never gets to have more life. 

How can such a beautiful person, such as him,

just be gone? 


Sometimes I just sit in the sadness of it all.

People would think Ive officially lost my mind. 

I dont care.

Death is a part of my daily heart now. 

Some people say death doesnt scare them.

Im not one of those people. 

It fills me with fear.

And sadness.

I am unsure what to do with these thoughts,

other than to just allow them,

to float by. 

Its not something I talk about.

It just lives there,



And nobody




Showing 5 reactions

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  • Kelley Lynn
    commented 2018-02-26 13:08:00 -0800
    I think that all the time. “does he know that he died?” ugh.
  • Chris Broaders
    commented 2018-01-17 14:33:19 -0800
    Oh Kelley Lynn- You are not alone and um, well thank you but sleep and I are not friends! So, hi to another fellow insomniac. :)
  • Kim Boylan
    commented 2018-01-14 16:08:29 -0800
    Kelley, your post is really timely for me, too. Scott passed only 50 days ago and I worry that he was terrified when I took him back to the ER the day before I elected to take him off life support. Does he know that he died? I just want to know that he’s okay!

    I can’t stop the tears right now.
  • Kelley Lynn
    commented 2018-01-13 11:45:28 -0800
    Yes, Chris!! The heart pounding as you sit and think how you just wont exist anymore someday, I thought I was the only one lol. thank you for making me feel slightly less crazy with my thoughts :) I wish you peaceful nights of lovely sleep. Those are hard for me!
  • Chris Broaders
    commented 2018-01-12 12:58:45 -0800
    This post really hit home with me. I think like that often. I’ve thought that way a lot in the 11 years since my mom died. But even before that I’d think about how someday I just won’t be here. In my case I’m sure it’s because of how close to death I’ve come so many times and that it’s just part of the PTSD, but it’s a chilling thought, and I too feel a little crazy sitting there with my heart pounding as I think about it. Thank you!