The Sacred Now~

I went to Chuck, a few days before he died, to have a semi final conversation with him.

I hoped that we'd have more conversation, but the cancer was taking over and I knew he didn't have much longer on this earth.

Even writing those words shreds my heart, as if I'm in those last days again.

Fucking cancer.

What I knew was that I needed to say my last words to him.

So I stood at the end of his bed and gently placed my hand on his foot.

I don't know why I didn't sit right next to him. 

Maybe I thought I needed this small bit of distance between us?

I don't know.

He was conscious, and alert enough, in spite of the medications.

And he looked right at me, as I looked right at him.

I know you have to go. But before you go, I want to thank you for showing me a lifetime of Love. And teaching me how to love. Allowing me to love you. But I know you have to go and I want you to know that I'll be okay somehow. And I know that I need to go and do what it is that I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life.

What I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life has been happening since the night of April 21 when Chuck inhaled his last breath. It's occurred as bits and pieces of a puzzle that I've painstakingly put together. I don't know what the final picture will look like, and I honestly don't think about it. It's not up to me, really.

All I've ever needed to do is what Chuck always said to do...

Suit up and show up.

Well, I've done that, in as much pink as possible. I've done it with a shattered heart, with determination, with grit and resolution.

I've refused to be silent about what my widowhood looks like. I've refused to hide. I've been honest and vulnerable about my grief, about the struggles and about the passion my heart still holds for him...and always will.

It has brought me to this place, now. 

In the fall I'll return to AZ to begin filming a documentary about my Odyssey of Love.

A real documentary, created by people who know what they're doing technically. 

THIS is what my heart knew I needed to do, that April night.

I miss Chuck. I adore Chuck still. More so, if possible. He is my every heartbeat. He is, still, my north and my south, my east and my west.

This Odyssey of Love has always been a sacred mission to me.

More so now.

My tiny rig carries his name, and the names of so many loved ones from around the country, around the world.

Undertaking the creation of this documentary is a spiritual experience in so many ways.

And I know it will be for all of you, when you see it.

It's for you, and it's for my beloved husband, Chuck. 


Showing 3 reactions

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  • Grace Johnson
    commented 2019-08-28 09:51:08 -0700
    Hi Alison…such a beautiful piece of your soul…💜
  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-08-24 08:14:51 -0700
    Alison, I really enjoyed your post. It is so raw. I am so glad you are creating a documentary for your husband. I can’t wait to see it! If you need anything please reach out. I am in AZ.
  • Cathy
    commented 2019-08-22 06:24:54 -0700
    Alison, I’ve followed your journey for years, I’m almost 10 years out from my husbands death, cancer too. Yes it still sucks, yes he’s still dead, yes I’m still trying to figure out what’s next. I applaud you for taking on a documentary, thank you for trying to educate others about life and loss and grief.