Thankful ......

...... is not something I have felt a lot these past almost-6 years.
I mean, I've felt it for a few things, like my children, my family and friends who were there for me when I really needed them.

But it was beyond difficult to feel thankful, while at the same time not believing that Jim was dead.

But this year ...... this year is different.
These are the things I'm thankful for, even in the midst of missing him every single day:

1.  The first thought I have when I wake up every day isn't, "Jim is dead".
2.  The last thought I have before I fall asleep every night isn't "Jim is dead".
3.  I rarely think, "I can NOT believe that this is my life!"
4.  I smile more times than I cry when I think of him.
5.  The future isn't inky black for me anymore. 
6.  I learned who my true friends are.
7.  Jim was such a good husband that he prepared for something neither of us thought
    would happen ...... at least not for another 50 or so years.
8.  My sons look very, very much like their father.
9.  Pictures of him don't stop me cold and send in tsunami-like waves of grief.
10.  I no longer constantly feel like I'm going to drown in those waves.
11.  I no longer wish I were dead.
12.  I no longer hope that I'll be hit by a bus, struck by lightening, or be in a plane crash.
13.  I no longer believe that I'll never be happy again.
14.  I don't fear for my children's lives every time they drive away now.
15.  I don't see those looks of pity on a regular basis.
16.  I don't get pissed off when I see cyclists on the road (Jim was one and I used to want
       to run every one of them down after he died.  Insane?  A bit.)
17.  I now have enough concentration to read books and watch movies without
       falling asleep.
18.  I don't resent old couples walking hand in hand anymore.
19.  I know that Jim would be proud of me, and of his children.
20.  I didn't have him long enough, but I did have him and I know I was loved better
       than most people I know.

I could probably go on with this list, but I won't.
You're welcome.

If you are not at the point where you're able to feel gratefulness ...... please don't worry. Don't knock yourself for that.  It doesn't mean you're ungrateful or stuck or whatever. 
It only means that you're normal.
You'll get here.
One breath at a time

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