John turns 4 tomorrow.  

The lead-up to his birthday has usually marked the beginning of my 4 month long death-march, as the surgery that triggered Ian's complications and eventual death occurred just 11 days after John's first birthday (and coincidently, John's original due date, so 22nd February is a really solid date in my memory).  

The first couple of years, the surgery date has been very significant, and was completely unexpected the first year.

This week has been...

interesting.

After last weeks post, I head on into my week  including attending a combined meeting of two chapters of a lobby/advocacy group that I've belonged to for nearly 20 years.

Over this period, there have been the various internal issues that arise from time to time in such organisations, and those currently around and the resulting pressure were released at this meeting.  Unfortunately the release was aimed squarely at me, through a personal attack by a member of the other chapter, in a public meeting.

I've recently been on the search for a new home.

It's not a long distance from my current casa, but in an area I love and come alive in.

During many of the showings of the houses I've found enticing, I've been bombarded with one question over and over from my brokers (aka parents).

As we entered each place and I'd point out something I loved, they would rebutt with....

..... Part 2.

I arrived in NYC today ....... for the first time since taking my youngest child to college.
This was the day I've been waiting for ...... for about a year now.  It didn't totally look like I saw it happening in my head a year ago.  But that's because I have 2 of my daughters living here with me.
I did NOT see that happening.
At all.

It’s been a long time since I cried for three straight hours.  I forgot how many rolls of toilet paper I can go through per hour.  (Yes, I use toilet paper instead of Kleenex.  TP is more efficient, less messy and much cheaper.  When you are clocking nose blows at between 2 to 3 RPH – rolls per hour  - cost matters.)  I also forgot how bad the headaches can be.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about where I have been, where I am going.. and how lucky I am.

I can’t help but think about my husband.

About how he didn't realize how lucky he was.

I know he had no idea how much he would be missing out on by choosing to leave this life.

My life is much different from many of my loved ones.


I find myself traveling 1/3 of the year.


I happily sleep with two (furry) men each night I'm home.


No one gets on my back for the dishes sitting in the sink a bit too long or the dirty clothes on the floor.

I never really liked running. Never really saw the point. For exercise? Sure, but I’d much rather play a sport or go swimming or do just about anything other than feel the pounding of my flattened and worn-out feet, screaming for mercy against the hot and unforgiving pavement. Or feel my knees hurting and buckling and cracking with each breath, showing their severe weakness and obvious disapproval of this evil form of torture.

...... and explaining my "After".

This past weekend I went back to my home town for a party.  It was a mini-reunion of sorts.  Several people from our high school class came, as well as others from a couple of other years ...... and several spouses.

I loved high school ...... most of it anyway..  I don't know any teenager who loves all of it.  But I enjoyed it.
And I really looked forward to attending this party.  There were going to be friends there whom I hadn't seen in years.
Or maybe decades.

Holy smokes, Batman.

2000 freakin' 12.

I don't quite know how to simply describe 2011 or simply describe what I hope 2012 to be.