Did Art die before or after Pallas hit five feet?
Did he die before I bought the new underwear or after?
Was he alive when Google offered that new earth maps feature?
Was I friends with her before or after Art died?
Was he alive when Langton said __________ or Ezra did ______?
... is different.
Very, very different.
I wish I had known that.
I wish I had known a widow who could have told me that.
Someone who could have warned me.
Warning: This post may be unsettling to many. It was written 8 days ago.
I thought about it today.
And actually been thinking about it for 5 days straight.
Considering different ways to do it. Quick, painless ways to do it.
As a widow, how many times have you said, "when/since/because _____ died"? Even after two years, three months and six days, I regularly use this phrase. Does widowhood define me this much or is it that the loss of my husband has been so life-altered, self-forming, world-shifting to me that I can attribute most of the occurrences in my present life to the event?Read more
It has been a long time since I have really shared my life with a man. Four years, ten months, and seven days to be exact. In that time I have learned to juggle life as a single parent, a single person, a sole provider, the sole tenant on my mortgage...I have become accustomed to the fact that the buck stops with me.
For the last two weeks I have been in Australia with my fiancé. We have been working out the details of his move to the United States. He is moving half way around the world to marry me. Most days I am humbled and a bit awed by this fact, but sometimes the idea of leaping back into married life causes a slight (or full blown) panic attack.
Do NOT talk about them.
Do not bring them up in conversation!
Pretend they don’t exist.
Proper widows talk about proper topics. These two topics are socially don’t-ask-just-assume-the-best topics. Only the bold among my friends will broach the subjects.Read more
Phil died a violent death. Though my brain acknowledges this fact, I have tried to shield my heart from the reality of his final moments. I am not a person who ever felt compelled to explore the details of the exact location of his body on the pavement, or the number of seconds it took the driver to pull over after the accident. My imagination tends to run wild with very few details; I feared a minute to minute account would only lead to an ever playing mental video that I might not be able to turn off.Read more
You have cataracts." my eye doctor declares.
You have cataracts, she says, this time a little more slowly since I obviously don't understand her the first time.
"But I'm 45 years old" I think.Read more
I am in a relationship.
It's been about 5 months now and it's mostly going great.
I am finding that having a relationship while still grieving for what I do not have is very, very difficult.
Of course it's difficult to blend the children. Some of mine are making it WAY difficult.
His (he has been a widower for over 8 years) have been great.
But that's not it.Read more
As my world stabilizes.
As I look forward, instead of back
As I feel the earth rooting me, it is exactly as the grief people said it will be.
"Many young children hold onto their grief until the surviving parent is able to cope. And then...."Read more