Anger, my good friend, anger.

You are so reliable, so constant,

yet elusive,

sometimes I can’t see you, but then suddenly you appear, snarl and bite.

you are always there, always so patient,

you never shut me down and tell me to look on the bright side,

with you, I can ‘be dark’ and talk about death whenever and wherever I want.

You are always deep in the core of my chest, sometimes you are almost dormant,

other times you shoot lava everywhere,

and then I get to grunt, bark and scream!

Why do you let my grief scare you?

Why can’t I just talk about Natasha how ever I want?  She was MY wife, not yours!

Why can’t you just listen and try not to fix me?  “You just need to focus on your daughter’s smile, and everything will be alright.”

Why do you give me an arbitrary timeline and act as if it is the word of some God?  “So, how long has it been since your wife died?”

Why do you try to insist on measuring the severity of my grief by saying, “So, have you been dating?”

Why do you need to suggest that a man needs a woman to raise a girl, “Girls need a mother, it’s just good for them.”?

Wow, you really are an expert on grief!  So have you ever lost a spouse, no?  How about a parent, sibling, or good friend,  no?  I guess you haven’t had much experience with grief, yet you are so wise when it comes to my grief.

I know, I should relax, you are a good person and you are just trying to help, and, maybe I am being too sensitive.

All I ask, please let my grief be just the way it is.

     I find that my deams often reveal the detail of my grief.  In a recent dream, my wife was scolding me for my parenting approach, “You too often let her get away with not eating fruits and veggies!”  Clearly, I have not moved on from feelings of self-doubt about my parenting skills.  I know most parents struggle with healthy food options, but I know it would be A LOT easier to feed my daughter if Natasha were still here.  She wasn’t just a good cook, she was a great food researcher: I didn’t have to read labels and search websites, Natasha would just say, “Buy this, and not that.”  This is where relying on our community is very helpful.

You may have noticed that last Tuesday, there was no post from me.  In short, we had a major power outage at my work, starting the Sunday prior, and being the only IT person, it fell to me keep the business running.

I left home Sunday evening, towards the office, and I was there until 3 A.M. or so.  Then home for a few hours, then back to the office. I got maybe 45 minutes of sleep between Sunday morning and Tuesday morning.

This kind of thing has been a part of my life for a few decades now.  It just comes with my chosen career.

That doesn’t make it feel “OK” though.

Eleven months and from the outside I have everything together but on the inside I still am an unorganized man just trying to make it day by day. There are dishes in the sink since Tuesday. I haven’t vacuumed in a week and my dog hasn’t had nearly enough of my attention.

One of the most fundamental aspect of our species is that we are constantly comparing everything.  Walking down the street, our brains are constantly comparing the faces of strangers to faces of people we know.  Isn’t that? …no, she’s too tall to be her.  Comparing helps us cross the street and be safe—we have an image of a safe crosswalk in our brains, and we compare what we see on the street with that image before our feet leave the curb.  Most comparisons keep us safe and healthy, while others simply make life far more complicated than it has to be. 

     I have watched loved ones turn into corpses, and, I somehow managed to survive.  Being alive means I get to watch an amazing little girl grow up, but each and everyday, I daydream of what life would be like if Anisha’s mother and grandparents were still with us.  I try to look on the positive—I am the ONE who gets to raise an amazing little girl!  I get to feel her hand on my face in the morning, “Dada, wake up!  I’m hungry.”  I get to hear her say, “Daddy, look at my new dance move!” or “Daddy I wish I could hug you forever and never, ever let go!”  I try hard to remind myself of the precious joys of watching a girl who is a blend of my wife and I mature.  I try, yet I still feel this never ending abyss of pain, fear and anger.

There was always a bit of competition between Megan and I as to who could be the “favorite” parent.  It was playful, obviously, but between the two of us, we were always trying to get the “better” birthday present for Shelby, or take her to the more memorable thing to do, or tell the funniest joke.  Whomever could make Shelby laugh harder got to “win” that battle.

Megan won, more often than not.  When Shelby was younger, it was Disney princesses and ice-capades.  Pink everything and dance competitions. Every so often though, I would swoop in with something like fishing or a funny “dad” joke (to Shelby, at least), and I would get to win that day’s competition.

All of this was in good fun, and it only benefitted Shelby.  She got to experience multiple events, types of hobbies, or memories that she wouldn’t have otherwise.  It helped her form the interests she has today.

But, as I am sure you are aware, considering the fact that you are reading this on the Soaring Spirits website, Megan died a few years back.

How many of us had dreamed of being super heroes when we were younger? Pulled between imagining magic powers and wishing we were older so we could do whatever we want and “oh how perfect life would be”. It’s true when they say to be careful what you wish for…

Today has been a good day so far.  I love waking up and feeling passion for whatever is going to happen next in my life.  Like my daughter saying, “I have a Valentine’s Day card for Dada!  Here it is!”  As I help my daughter get ready for school, I take a deep breath and remind myself of one simple truth; getting Anisha ready and walking her to school in the sun and snow IS what life is all about!  I love that I truly appreciate simple things more, but I still miss so many things about Natasha, such as her food.