Let the moments stop. Let them stay where they are.
Let them take me back in time.
Let them morph into the unknown future.
Let me be present.
Let me disappear.
Let me be numb.
Let my emotions riot my heart.
Let shock quiet my system.Read more
My heart is raw. It breaks open easily. It doesn't take much. Another memory of the life I lost when Mike died. Another tragic story from another new member of our terrible club. Another heartbreak from a fellow widow having made the effort to find new love and life and been hurt. Another day of pain and sadness in a friend's ongoing attempt to move forward without a beloved partner. Another outcry from a wounded fellow traveler. Another experience of the unfair circumstances that befall any and each of us as survivors.
My heart is broken. I am broken. We are broken.Read more
Do not be fooled
by the lightness you see in me -
The cool easy smile
across my face.
Two years year ago this week, I had no concept of time.
Nor of my life any longer as I knew it.
Two years ago today, I was making funeral arrangements
For the man I had planned to grow old with.
And going from pain to disbelief and back to pain every 10 minutes
Like an endless loopRead more
One of the amazing and inspiring things that has happened as a result of losing the person I love most in this world to death, is meeting so many incredible and beautiful people who have also lost the person they love most. One of these people is my friend Sarah Treanor. Some of you may know of her, as she is the Sunday writer here at "Widow's Voice." Sarah and I originally met on Facebook, in one of the many widowed people private/closed groups I am a part of, and then we became close and exchanged numbers and started calling each other regularly to laugh and cry and ... well ... you all understand. This past March, I finally met Sarah in person at Camp Widow. It was beyond awesome. I consider Sarah family. She is a part of my new, strange, second-family in this new life; my family of widowed people. Today was the 2-year anniversary of the death of Sarah's fiance, Andrew (Drew.) I wrote this piece for her - for them - and posted it on her Facebook page, but it's universal enough to post here too. Aside from a few specifics about my husband and her fiance in the poem, it relates to everyone. All of us. These are just some of the thoughts that I was thinking about today, and that I think about often. What if .....
There was a moment when life was just life,
and death was a stranger I knew nothing about.
There was a fragment when weekends were just weekends,
filled with friends and movies and dinner parties and couples hanging out together.
There was a glimpse when laughter was just laughter,
and not laughter poisoned with pain and loss.
There was a measure when I was planning the wedding for me and my husband,
and not planning my husband's funeral.
There is a space where my husband’s voice once lived,
a big empty hole that sits in the center of my hours,
It mocks me by following me wherever I go,
And it feeds off of it’s own nothingness,
Sipping on the hollow void,
A cruel silence where there used to be sound.
Though I love to come here to share my thoughts, experiences and words, there are moments that I come across things that speak so poignantly that it must be given the space to spread to those who deserve to hear it.
This letter is one I found this evening that I know so many who have lost, struggled, hurt and suffered, should read.
Written by a stranger. But a human. Who has gone through who knows what in their lifetime.
May it impact you the way it has for me:
JERRY: You rented 'Home Alone?'
GEORGE: Yeah. Do you mind if I watch it here?
JERRY: What for?
GEORGE: Because if I watch it at my apartment, I feel like Im not DOING anything. If I watch it here, Im out of the house. Im DOING something.
Today is a nothing day. Nothing important.
Well, today is Halloween.
By the time you read this, yesterday would have been Halloween.
But, as I am writing this late Thursday night,
today is Halloween.
But my husband and I didn't have kids yet, and we never really "did anything" on Halloween.
So, like I said, today is a nothing day.