Just call me......... Sybil.
I very often feel like I have a split personality.
I have passed the three year mark. I find these words difficult to absorb even as I type them. Hell, I never expected to live out the first year. And then I knew I wouldn't survive the second. I often thought that it was a shame that I couldn't just "think myself" to death. In fact, there were many days when I was surprised to find that I couldn't.
But here I am .... three years out.
With a split personality .... sometimes.
One night last week G and I snuggled up on the couch for a little mid-holiday chaos downtime. We scrolled through the on-demand movie selections and settled on Nanny McPhee Returns. The original movie was really cute so we were looking forward to it.Read more
I had a dream.
Well, first of all, just having a dream is significant for me. I can count the number of dreams I have had since Michael died on one hand.
Pallas was assigned this book in school. I would read sections of it to her. The first time I read the section below out loud, I could not finish it. I was sobbing as Pallas watched me curiously. Mau had put into words the way I feel about being a widow.
I hope you will read the entire quote, for nothing I have read has fully encompassed what widowhood means to me than this single paragraph.Read more
how much i hate
something interesting happened
i suppose i could
wait until the
end of the post
to tell you that
enjoyed this one,Read more
It happened. I actually made it through a holiday without being bitter. Now let me be clear, it doesn't mean I didn't feel sad or have the streaming video of memories run through my brain at different times, but it wasn't bitter. For the first time in 6 holiday seasons, I didn't have flashes of envy and moments of evil thoughts towards families and happy people in general.Read more
I feel like a canary in a coal mine.
The sadness being the air that I sometimes think will kill me.Read more
****This is a re-post from last year, but still one of my favorite moments in seeing the spark reignite in my family, as if the light had been turned on and they looked past his death and forward into his life. I'll update next week on what gift they made/got for him! Merry Christmas****
Last Christmas my family started incorporating Michael back into Christmas by filling a stocking full of gift-cards, gadgets and more that Michael would have loved....but I could use. It was heartwarming to see them remember and bring to life some of his favorite things and places from memories passed.
Tomorrow is the day that we have all been building up to in the last few months.
I am sure that, like me, you are overwhelmed, tired and emotional. Preparing for this day is, at the best of times, exhausting.....but alone, it seems insurmountable.
Actually, the entire sentence was .... "All of your children are home. You should be happy."
I felt like I had been slapped in the face.
I was on the phone, explaining to this person, through tears, that I was feeling sad.
And that sentence was the response I got.