I found myself thinking about time recently. About time with Jim.
I thought that I wish I could have bottled up certain times in our life together so that I'd still have them.
The bottles would sit up on the shelves along with our photo albums.
Any time that I found myself missing him (and when did I not?) I could open up a bottle, take a deep breath of its aroma, and go back to that time.Read more
I had some time this weekend - me time. Me and Michele time if I'm completely truthful, but it was me time just the same. A couple of days with no cares in the world.
This weekend it all came together. A sudden realization that the opportunity was there and so was the free airline ticket.
Today looked like this....
I got up.
I laughed before the big toe of my left foot hit the floor.
I left at 8:15 for an 8:30 class that was a 20 minute drive away.
I drove giggling...my lateness, some things never change.
“I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.” -Jennifer Louden
Let me just say how much I love this quote. I really should print it on cards and hand it out to those who make the snide remarks that I will not be able to be happy until I "move on" or somehow refuse to acknowledge the smile on my face when they see no one is standing at my side.
I remember a time not too long ago when I couldn't taste anything, couldn't notice the sunshine, couldn't appreciate the beauty in anything. Getting out of bed and making it through the day was all I could handle.Read more
I have experienced using the word death, or the word grief, or the word widow and having people physically step away from me. I have been told that since I am young the death of my husband isn't as large a tragedy as it might be if I were older, since I am sure to remarry. I have been asked whether or not I am "over" my husband. People have looked at me from behind walls, sunglasses, the back of their cars, and then purposely walked the other direction. I have been told that finding another man to love would mean that Phil was not my soul mate, because how could you replace a soul mate? I have been asked to explain why I still talk about my dead husband when I have a new one waiting in the wings. I have been asked how I can possibly listen to the stories of other widowed people day in and day out without wanting to jump off the nearest bridge.Read more
It has been such a long time since I have written you a letter. In fact, my eyes are welling up now realizing that I talk to you all the time in my heart but those words are no longer committed to paper. Remember the letters I wrote to you every day for the first year? I spilled my frustrations, feelings, fears, and memories across every page. More often than not the ink ran because I cried all over the journal paper as I scribbled frantically all the words I desperately wished I could speak into your ear.
For the past few weeks I've been aware of something: I miss me.
Yes, I miss Jim .... still very, very much and still every minute of every day, but I also miss me.
The "before Janine".Read more
Since Phil died in August of 2005 I have met thousands of widowed people. That fact astounds me. I speak to a new widowed person daily. Every single day, and I am just one person. And yet I am still surprised by death, both personally and professionally. What? Our loved ones die? Since when? But he was so young! What about the kids left behind? How will the family make it on one salary? She was sick for such a short time! But the doctor's felt the battle was almost won. Why her, why him, why ours, why us....when will this dying trend stop?!Read more
Someone recently asked me if I thought my current relationship would have a happy ending. I'm sure that person just meant to ask if I pictured being with this man from now on, but I was a bit stunned by that question and just said, "I hope so." As soon as those words came out I instantly thought, "Of course not".Read more