Even though I have now lived through the month of August five times since Phil's death, I once again failed to notice the signs of the anniversary flu as August 31st approached this year. Maybe you recognize some of the symptoms?Read more
Our wedding rings are no more.
His was so huge. My 6'6" husband had fingers that matched his size.
This Sunday will mark my baby's 26th birthday....or 4th birthday in heaven. However you want to look at it.
Birthday's we're always such a happy time but even three years later, the angst of certain holidays never weaken with time.
As I type this letter to you I am wrestling with the fact that you have been dead for five years. Even though I have lived without you for 1,825 days...every once in awhile I still feel I could turn over my shoulder and you would be there with a big grin wondering what I will think of your latest joke.
The other night I had a dream with Michael in it.
A festival of some sort was taking place and I stood some distance away...eyes glued to my love. Something passed by, that before Michael could even look at it, I knew would be something he'd find amusing.
I knew it would happen. One of the things that melted my heart and still brings butterflies to my belly to think about.
He would smile.Read more
.... a cure-all.
Or for anything that goes along with grief .... like an aching heart, feeling lonely, wanting your spouse back, or feeling misunderstood.
Fear is the voice in your head that tells you things are impossible, the doubts that creep into your mind when you're up late and the kids are asleep, the voice that tells you that hope is for patsies. Fear is not an emotion that I experience very often. It's not in my make-up. Call it ignorance, call it bravado, there isn't much that makes me afraid. Until recently.Read more
I have been wondering lately if being happy limits the freedom I feel to still mourn Phil's death. I have the feeling that "others" expect that my current happiness will cancel out the residual sadness that still exists in my heart over the loss of a man I loved so much. Yes, I realize this is MY issue.Read more
Did Art die before or after Pallas hit five feet?
Did he die before I bought the new underwear or after?
Was he alive when Google offered that new earth maps feature?
Was I friends with her before or after Art died?
Was he alive when Langton said __________ or Ezra did ______?
Being a widow is a lot of things. Scary. Sad. Lonely. Guilt-ridden. But an unexpected side effect of the loss of my spouse is the humor and hilarity.
Maybe I was funny person before. Maybe it has been in me all along. But after spending time again this year at Camp Widow, my cheeks hurt from laughing....and I didn't spend the time giggling at myself.