Just call me......... Sybil.
I very often feel like I have a split personality.
I have passed the three year mark. I find these words difficult to absorb even as I type them. Hell, I never expected to live out the first year. And then I knew I wouldn't survive the second. I often thought that it was a shame that I couldn't just "think myself" to death. In fact, there were many days when I was surprised to find that I couldn't.
But here I am .... three years out.
With a split personality .... sometimes.
It happened. I actually made it through a holiday without being bitter. Now let me be clear, it doesn't mean I didn't feel sad or have the streaming video of memories run through my brain at different times, but it wasn't bitter. For the first time in 6 holiday seasons, I didn't have flashes of envy and moments of evil thoughts towards families and happy people in general.Read more
The holiday season is on me - not upon me, but really ON me - like a rash...I'm totally covered up. ;-) I'm not complaining, it is the fun things that are burying me, too many parties, too many friends, too much love. Clearly you can never have too many friends or too much love. My cup is Niagara Falls.Read more
It's been 5 years. In that 5 years I've changed in so many ways. I'm still the same old me, but different. Daniel didn't know this me. The one that survived his loss, the one that has been raising our child by myself. The one that bears the burden of making it all happen, all day, every day.Read more
Over the past five years any time that I have done something that I believe Phil would have either actively disliked (getting a tattoo) or probably didn't appreciate (leaving his ashes in a locked safe for three years) I have used this phrase, "Well then you shouldn't have died," to justify my behavior.Read more
I keep returning here to write something. To let you all know that things are okay and that life goes on and we are happy. They are, it does and often we are.
But I am feeling the weight lately of a realization. One I should have had two years and eight months ago.
This is FOREVER.Read more
I remember talking to Michele about 4 and a half years ago about a widow she had met. The woman in question had been a widow for 5 years and she was in a MUCH different place than we were (we were at about 6 months). I very distinctly remember saying I couldn't imagine surviving this horrible life for 5 years. I remember thinking in my head that there was no way I'd be in a better place - EVER. I was certain I would feel hellish, wrung out, unbearably sad and subject to fits of rage (at the world in general) for years. Pan forward 4 and a half years, and I have the opportunity to assess my progress.Read more
Over the past month or so I have introduced Michael as my husband in a variety of circles. The responses to the word "husband" have been fascinating to me.
When we are out with a group of friends or new acquaintances, the response is enthusiastic and congratulatory. These folks are just happy to see love in action.
When in the company of people who have walked with me through loving and losing Phil there is a sense of wonder that life has made a turn for the better and that somehow I have survived the blinding glare of grief.