One of the things I started after Michael died was our "Date Nights".
It usually consists of a movie and a five course dinner with wine pairings throughout it.
It's amazing. From "Birds" to all three "Lord of the Ring" to "Chocolat" I sit there with an empty set next to me and savor every moment.
I just returned from a camping trip with my brother and his family. It was at one of those family RV resorts, where everyone is parked next to each other, row after row. There were activities galore all weekend long, and lots of happy couples, excited kids, proud grandparents, and me.Read more
Maximus and I take walks at night.
I love looking up and feeling like I'm in a planetarium. For some reason, it's also a moment I feel closest to Michael...and now Charlie.
When we first moved into this big, wonderful house, we toiled and planted together in our many gardens. We were building something long-lasting, rich, sensual and vibrant. The flowers in our garden were breathtaking. Our plants were exotic. Butterflies were abundant. Every clod of dirt became a colony of life. We loved every lizard, flower, hummingbird, bush, spider or tree. And with each plant’s growth, annual or perennial, we rejoiced.Read more
The past few weeks have been good.
I've been getting our AWP offices ready and love all that that consists of.
I'm in love with the space. I'm in love with the area. And I'm in love with the feelings and emotions that have come from making this step in life.Read more
About four months after Phil's death, I returned to my nail salon for the first time since being widowed. As I sat in the chair trying to keep it together while idle chatter swirled around me, my manicurist looked up and asked if I was going to take off my rings. Absently I handed them to her (my engagement ring, my wedding ring, and Phil's wedding ring were all crowded together on my finger) and she set them down awkwardly on the table next to us. Then she looked up at me and said, "Isn't your husband dead?" At first I was sure I heard her wrong. "Excuse me?" I said. Turns out my hearing was fine, because she repeated herself.Read more
I think for a long time I thought that I'd feel happiness through some sort of thick membrane - see it, sort of touch it, and even be able to experience it in a distant way, but I doubted I'd ever feel genuinely happy again. I was certain the lessons that life had taught me would keep me removed from true happiness - I just wouldn't be able to let it in, or I'd always be waiting for the doom to set in.
***If you're reading this, it is officially May 21st, 2011. The four year angel-versary of my love. I'm writing this a week in advance, and hopefully have succeeded in doing my fourth skydive jump on the 20th (If I don't blog next week, I'll tell all your loves "hello" ;D ). This has become an annual event for the military widows of our organization and I know there company will ease the sharp bite of the last day my soul mate graced this earth with his life. Thank you all for continuing to read the blog and taking this journey with me. And with no further ado....the blog I posted after last year's jump and angel-versary.......***Read more
I have The Ring.
The one that binds all rings together.
I’ve been looking at it lately
Playing with it.
Putting it on my left hand, where there has been no ring for over a year
And it feels…not right anymore.
It feels wrong on my left finger because it doesn’t feel like…
Okay, so here is my dilemma. What am I supposed to do when life is going well. Or, well enough?
I have been publicly writing, blogging, for three and a half years now. At first it was to keep family and friends up to date with Michael's battle with his brain cancer. Back then I wrote about medical updates, explaining the next chemotherapy trial, the progression of his tumor, then the ultimate message of his death. During that time I tried to talk honestly as possible, yet also balancing Michael's desire for some privacy. In between the difficult messages, were words of hope, and of true joy. I have to remember that even though our world was turned upside down, there were some wonderful days and weeks. During those two years we had many celebrations, and many reasons to be thankful.