I have a confession to make.
And to many of you it will sound preposterous.
No doubt many of you will think that I am out of touch, delusional or didn’t have a “good” marriage.
Some of you won’t believe me or won’t want to believe me.
I am not of the widow crowd that believes that my husband, Art, was “my one and only love in my life.” I don’t believe God put me on this earth to only be touched by one man’s life or to touch, mold, distract or teach only one man.
So this is the first occasion of my newly assigned day.
A day of sun, as I see it, is a true blessing. For so many of us, worry, hardship, and the basic toll of life, can really bring us down. When the weekend is upon us, we tend to wonder how much we can get accomplished on Saturday, and how we want to spend a day of leisure on Sunday. For those shaking off the trauma of loss, a day of sun can feel quite foreign.
.... if I Feel "Happy"?
Ahhhhh ..... an interesting question, and one I've asked myself several times when considering what to write about on this blog.
I've never come to the conclusion that I should stop writing here ..... but I do sometimes wonder. Especially after comments like those that were written yesterday.
Am I, and my grief, less valued because my husband died in 2007? Do I not "get" someone's grief if their loved one died last year ..... last week ..... yesterday?
I was sitting in the living room, warmed by the fire, with my boyfriend Abel to my left, and my son Remy to my right. I was trying to think of what to write about, then saw a perfect opportunity to find out what my son thought about his dad, a widower, newly dating again.
My husband, for those who do not know, died a little over two years ago. He and I had only been a couple for 18 months when he was diagnosed with brain cancer. My kids learned to love and accept him, then soon learned that they would also have to say goodbye to him. It was nothing I ever expected to go through with a new relationship, and nothing I ever expected my kids to experience while they were still young. But here we are, two years later, many bereavement groups later. Many changes, and many nights of grieving through tears, laughter, and stories.
***This is a post I wrote 3 years ago today. Almost a bookmark to my progress.***
Why: adv. For what purpose, reason, or cause; with what intention, justification, or motive
Now we know there are definitions, but in this case it is three letters that come together to become a word that has a way of haunting those of us who have felt cheated of a lifetime with our soul mates.
"Why him?", "Why me?","Why us?", "Why so young?", "Why so suddenly?", "Why so violently?"...and the list goes on.
.... since I've heard three small words.
I heard, or rather, read them yesterday.
And I was stunned.
I'm still stunned.
I'm not stunned that I was sent the words, but am happily surprised.
I am stunned at the impact those three words are having on me.
I was stunned when I read them and I'm still stunned.
This weekend I'll be at the Austin City Limits Music Festival. 8 stages, over a hundred bands, but to me it is so much more.
Last October, my best friend (and fellow widow) and I ventured out on the green grass, drinking wine from sports bottles, listening to amazing music, having a grief/stress free time.
Of course, since Michael's death I've had many days that way. Worry free, almost to the point where I forget that he's even dead, but what differentiated that festival weekend from anything else was the affect it had once the 3 days were over.
Everyone: Carl. Carl: Everyone. So there, now you've met. The last few weeks have been full of big changes for us. We've bought a new home, he moved into my house for a few weeks during the remodel of the new house, and now we've moved into our house together. The wedding is still a few months away, but well into the planning stages. Holy cow we have a lot going on!Read more
The past two weeks have been a whirlwind, and I'm kind of getting acclimated on the occasions where they happen...and in a way enjoying the mayhem it brings.
Last weekend was one of the best parts. We held an Inner Peace getaway for the amazing AWP ladies. From yoga to sailing to long nights of talking....it helped center me back in a place that I had been swinging around on like an out of control pendulum.