No one tells you, or really talks about how boring parenting can be.  Everyone loves to talk about all the fun stuff kids do.  It’s easy to talk about the fiery, youthful enthusiasm that makes them entertaining.  It’s fun to talk about children being silly and pretending to be animals.  There is nothing cuter than watching a 6-year-old hop around like a bunny, or a frog, but for me, it would be nice if parents would discuss the hard stuff more.

Sometimes, okay, let’s be honest, more often than sometimes, it feels like the best part of my life is over.  She is gone.  She is gone. And, she is gone.  However, at the same time It feels like this is the best part of my life because I get to raise a fantastic daughter.  Even though I know that it would be so, so much better if Natasha were still here, there is something magical about this time in my life.  I just need to figure out how to work from home, and then things will be easier.  Being diagnosed as being visually impaired doesn’t have to be a huge hindrance like losing my wife.  But at the same time, come on!  How many challenges do I have to face back to back!

Things are hard. 

Life is hard. 

Sometimes I am convinced that life is much harder for some than for others. 

Sometimes it feels like I can never get a break. 

Sometimes it feels like I will always struggle and things will always be really hard,

and that is just how my life will be. 

I dont know. 

None of this is fact. 

Just feelings. 

Clearly, 4 ½ years is far too long to miss the love of your life since society continues to tell me not to miss my wife anymore.  The thrust of the conversation is aimed at pushing me to stop talking about missing my wife and get over it!  As a result, we all learn to judge our social environment carefully before bringing illness, longing and/or death, if only grief weren’t so powerful.

This blog will be short because I had a lasik procedure this week and my eyes get tired quickly.

When your spouse has a long-term, terminal illness, it’s very easy to devote all of your attention to their well-being.  I rationalized for years that there was quite literally nothing as bad as what Megan was going through, so anything regarding my own health or person was minimal.

It wasn’t healthy in and of itself, but in the grand scheme of things, I felt “fine”.  Megan was the important thing to focus on, just trying to get her to the next day, week, or month.  I would simply hold down the fort at home while she was in treatment, go about the routines, and worry about myself later.

It’s now “later”.

  My daughter has a friend over for a playdate today and it has been a good introspective snapshot of where I am at.  I keep thinking that I have all of this new confidence, but some remnants of the old me remain, like persistent weeds that always finds new tunnels to the surface.

It’s an interesting thing how people around you say they understand and they will be there for you. However when you have a tough day and they respond by saying:

“I thought you said you were ok and moving on.”

“I was ok that day but there are no rules to what’s going on in my heart and my head.”

In all honesty I don’t know how to say what it feels like when you let someone in a little and they back away instead of standing by you. The best I can do is share the lyrics to P!NK’s song “Attic”

I completely forgot!  It was Natasha’s birthday recently and I completely forgot.  In the 4 years since her death, I forgot her birthday for the first time.  I only remembered a couple of days later when my daughter was asking about her scheduled activities.

I had my sister and a friend in town this past week and it was wonderful. We had a great time relaxing and just enjoying each others’ company.  All of us are working a side business together with a big company and doing very well.  The company had recently reached out to me and asked me to host a local event. What an honor and what an amazing time. Tin would have loved all of it.