Like everyone else who shares the title “widower” or “widow”, I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t kick sleeping dogs or twist baby toes to make them cry. I can’t imagine what I did that pissed off the devil (or God) to get me to this place but here I am. Here you are. I’m not going anywhere so I might as well be polite and introduce us (me and my wife - we come as a package.)Read more
Written on April 15, 2011
729 days and 22 hours ago…
we were dancing in his room.
We were drinking beer, watching American Idol
I can’t remember what.
We were laughing together,
his sister, his best childhood friend, my friend and I.
And then one of us would look at him,
I tried to forget all of that today.
I told myself that I will “ignore” tomorrow.
I had decided that I would ignore this anniversary.Read more
This morning will mark three years since I've held your warm hand. Heard your snores. Felt safe knowing I was yours.
My life doesn't stop today as it did three years ago....although I partially wish it would. There are appointments to be attended, childcare to sort out and errands to run.Read more
I’m tired of being a widow.
I’m tired of bringing the car to the mechanic when the red maintenance light visually screams at me.
I’m tired of running out of food and being responsible for getting more.
I’m tired of waking up by myself.
.... is sometimes a lot more powerful than I'd like it to be.
Maybe it's bigger than the rest of my mind.
Or maybe it's just a lot more determined to be in charge.
All I know is that it's very aware of the date on the calendar and it seems hell-bent on forcing my emotions to react to that memory .... even when the rest of my mind is going along quite contentedly.
Or so I thought.
In what has become a tradition of ours, this Tuesday my kids and I placed roses in the sand. We tend to commemorate milestones related to my wife and especially the anniversary of her death by going to her favorite place, the beach. Inevitably whatever flowers we have wind up being planted ever so gently in the sand. Some years we'll add a short note and 'sign' the sand...others years (this year) we let the flowers speak for themselves, a silent testimony of love, one for another.Read more
Tomorrow is 5 years. Impossible to comprehend, but true nonetheless. Today's blog will be a long distance dedication from Daniel to his friends and family. I think if he'd been given the choice (or if I'd had more time to think of it myself), he'd have had this played at his funeral.Read more
Halloween...I think as an adult you move past this particular celebration...until you have kids! Since Grayson was old enough to hold his trick or treat bag, Halloween has been one of the more fun holidays of the year. Grayson's costumes have become gradually more frightening as the years have passed. We've moved from pumpkin (4 months) to Wizard (16 months) to Darth Vader (4 years) to Harry Potter (7) to this year's Zombie costume.Read more
Five years ago today we took the last picture. We were on our way home from Disney and a day away from our first appointment at MD Anderson. Of course we didn't know it was the last picture...that's why the happiness in those two faces is real.Read more
This month begins the "death march". That annual walk down memory lane that takes me from the last family trip we took when he was feeling somewhat healthy, to the 3rd diagnosis, to M.D. Anderson, to a brother's graduation, to a stressful birthday in the ER, to a series of specialists, to yet another hospital, and finally to a cemetery on a beautiful hilltop in the country.Read more