Well I made it. I made it through the first wedding since Tin passed only two months ago and it was followed by the next day being the first Father’s Day without my father. There were times I couldn’t hold back the tears and times I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like a stranded fish. How ironic to be a crying stranded fish that needs salt water to breathe but the water is blurring you vision instead of spilling over your gills. I made it through the night with the fun songs, the heartbreaking songs that meant joy to all the others in the room, the condolences from family that haven’t seen me since Tin passed and catching myself rubbing my own palm and realizing I was just hoping to feel Tin take my hand. It’s not just losing the person it’s losing all the plans you had with that person and watching other people be rewarded with what you have lost.
The plane ride home was going well until I fell asleep. Dreams of the plane crashing, my apartment being robbed while I was gone and “Oh my God is my dog safe?”. What would I do if Roan was gone? I need to get home and the panic sets in. I move forward and jolted awake startling the guy in the seat next to me realizing I was locked 10,000 ft. from the answers to cure my panic. Of course everything was fine and Roan was tail wag crazy but as I returned home so did the stomachaches and dark clouds I had been carrying before my trip. It was an unexpected return home to realize how lonely and depressed I was. Skip it and go to bed. Work in the morning.Read more
My brain is in overdrive these days and all day today I've been contemplating what it is I'll write about for this week's blog. I usually let my writing happen viscerally. So here goes.
Last Sunday our oldest son got married against the backdrop of Sedona Arizona. One of those milestones of life that will cause our grief to rise up in us, we're told. But what is it when one of those milestones doesn't cause the grief to rise up because it's already there all the time anyways? I think, perhaps, what happens is that I restrain my grief and then there's times when it just can't be restrained or constrained and out it comes. That would be a more apt description of it.
Checking the mail. A routine that we all have, some everyday, others a couple of times a week. Today was one of the moments that interrupted an action I did for society’s sake.
I opened my box to find a package. As soon as I saw who the sender was I knew it was from our wedding. I did not know there was video until after Michael was killed, for what reasons I cannot say. When I heard there was film I did not think I would actually ever get a hard copy simply for the reason that it took 2 years for me to know it was even real. I did not know what the pieces of cardboard held inside of it, nor did I know how I would react.
I put it in.Read more