Today it is thirteen months and 3 days since you died.  Some moments, your death still does not feel real to me.  And, other times, the realness of your death is so apparent I feel nauseated. This is grief in all it's unapologetic glory.

In the early days when you died I couldn't even breathe. I'd gasp for breathe and I'd rock back and forth, holding my chest,  in an effort to encourage the air to move from my lungs into my body.  For months I struggled desperately, day and night, to soothe my broken Soul.  I remember I'd stand in the kitchen and I'd clutch my chest as I cooked dinner because I thought my heart was going to explode into a million pieces when it broke.  I remember thinking that grief was cruel because it forced us to endure and survive this deep aching pain.  I knew full well that my heart wasn't going to literally reduce to fragments - even though it felt like it was.  Those early days of grief were completely gutting.  And, I am glad that the raw intensity of those first four months is behind me.  Somehow I survived. 

As much as I never want to feel the pain of the early days again, I do wish I could go back and tell my newly widowed self what I have learned about grief.  I'd tell her that in order to survive she does not need to do anything - except breathe.  (Which, I know, is easier said than done.)  I'd let her know that the shock and numbness she feels is there by design; and, I would tell her that she is not to worry about being in a daze.  I'd tell her that the laundry and housework are not a priority.  I'd wink and let her know that she won't have any memory of these first four months after his death, so she should feel free to let it go.  I'd also brief her about the fact that she can't rush through this.  I'd say with authority, that there is no way to side step this pain because there is no "cure" for grief.  Grief isn't a disease that you are magically healed from.  Grief is a journey that lasts your lifetime from what I can tell so far.  I'd continue with the advice, knowing full well, my sleep deprived self would not really understand or absorb much of what I was saying because her mind could no longer process anything.  She was consumed with trying to make sense of the fact that Mike was dead. 

At this point, in my made-up (but all too real) scenario, I'd make us both something to eat because I know that she is on the "widow diet".   I know that she has probably only had coffee all day.  Once I got her fed, I'd tell her I notice she's lost more than her smile, she's lost weight too.  I'd remind her to eat everyday.  And, I would tell my freshly widowed self that she needs to start wearing makeup again, and I'd tell her that doing her hair is not as optional as she thinks. And, then, I'd hear her laugh... and it's magic.  

As a new widow she needs to know that she should try to lean into the pain and absorb the ache into her DNA.  I'd let my frazzled self know that when your person dies you are reduced to a state of infancy.  And, I'd smile and I'd gently brush the strands of stray hair from her eyes; then, I'd tell her that she's normal.  And, I'd promise her that she's going to be okay.  I'd remind myself to tell her that death is a trauma.  And, because of the trauma Mike's death caused, she has forgotten how to soothe herself.   She will need assistance with the basics: breathing, sleeping and eating.  I'd recommend that she surround herself with only compassionate, loving, people who don't try to "fix" her.  These people who simply walk along side her as she grieves will become her lifelines.  They will carry her on the really hard days in the year ahead.  I'd gently tell my newly widowed self to be patient and settle into her feelings.  I'd remind her to smile more, even if it's just for a fleeting moment.  I'd let her know that, in spite of herself, I heard her laugh today - and it was magical.   

And, finally, I'd stop and hold her for longer than most normal hugs last. 

And, then, I'd look far past the glazed, "deer in headlights", look in her eyes,  

I'd look straight into her Soul and I'd whisper to her "you've got this".

 Photo credits: @heidi_the_untold 

Somehow I've survived this surreal experience of out living Mike.  I have learned that in order to survive his death I had to undergo a sort of re-birth, and this process is still ongoing.  I've come undone and I've been unhinged for the better part of this last year.  But, alas, I've arrived here, in this moment.  I've emerged exhausted and a bit disheveled because...