I spent last weekend, starting on Thursday, at a rally for people who own T@b trailers, as I do.
My little rig has been my home on the road in the years since Chuck's death.
It's tiny in every way, but still has a surprising amount of room inside of it, for me and for storage.
I'm 5'1 and it gives me a little bit of clearance over my head.
I can take a few steps to each side.
It's all the space I'm interested in having.
Large spaces, such as are to be found in an apartment or a house, overwhelm me since Chuck's death.Read more
I've reached a major point along this widowhood road. Arrived, so to speak.
At least, in my mind, I have.
I'm in the state of Confusion. And I'm kind of okay with it, in the midst of nothing being okay any longer.
I'm not fighting any emotion that comes my way.
Good, bad, indifferent and everything in between.Read more
I’m laying in bed and I’m only 4 days away from heading to Hawaii. I post on Facebook about the trip. In the post I ask who am I going to see there?
This is the eve of what the world celebrates as New Year's.
But, since Time has ceased to hold any meaning for me since Chuck's death, I've taken it upon myself to designate my New Year as beginning on April 21; the anniversary of Chuck's death.
That's the time when I reflect on whatever needs reflecting upon. It's when I do a self-check, and it's a time that is meaningful to me.
I realize, more and more, that Time is merely a social construct. It's necessary, in our culture, to keep our worlds moving, I suppose, but for those of us left behind, it's a mish mash of how can it be so long? and oh my god it's been forever! There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of in between.
Recently I also made the decision to stop counting the years since Chuck's death. Not because it doesn't matter; it very much does. But my heart can't manage it. I started sorting it all out and it will soon be 7 years and...nope. Not doing 7 years. In my mind, and what I will forever tell people henceforth, it has been 6.5 years. Period.
Additionally, since I'm stopping counting the years since his death, I will no longer age. I'm 61 now, and that's the age I'll stay. I'm already one year older than Chuck was when he died. Enough already.
Yes, yes, of course there are those who might say, behind their hands, that I've gone nuts. Crackers. Over the edge. Look at the crazy widow! they'll whisper.
Behold the field of fucks I don't give.
I stopped caring about other's opinions of me a looooong time ago. In fact, the first thing I'd tell anyone new to this community is to install a hinge on their elbow so that it automatically shoots up when someone offers an opinion/comment/suggestion about the right way to widow, and your fingers automatically flip them a bird.
You can, of course, in order to appease such people, stare at your elbow/hand in shocked surprise that this happened. Act horrified if you wish. You've made your point with them.
In some ways I relish the prospect of being known as the crazy widow lady. Kind of a cool rep, in my mind.
I will, of course, be the crazy widow lady dressed all in pink and what's that all about? they'll ask, not really wanting to know the answer.
That's okay, too.
I'm going to just be over here, driving my pink car, towing my pink trailer with the names of all these loved ones on it, shooting sparkle and glitter at everyone. Giving hugs. Getting hugs.
The crazy widow lady in pink.
My brain and body...both are too tired to string together too many sentences.
I say too tired, but it isn't from tiredness really, as much as it is a whole lot of stimulation in the past few days.
My mom used to say that stress happens with good and bad things both. That our body feels it as stress whatever it is.
This has been good stress in the last few days. Also, hugely emotional.
I've been sewing and gluing all day long.
Tomorrow will be more of the same.
On Thursday I'll run last minute errands and then hitch my rig, PinkMagic, to my pink car.
Very early Friday morning I'll meet my film team and we'll head first to Sedona AZ and then Zion Nat'l Park in Utah.
The time has come, as the walrus said...Read more
I thought about reposting my WV blog from 2015 for this week.
Because I pretty much feel the same way, regarding the holidays.
As a 6 1/2 year veteran of this wid life, I kind of hate owning up to how difficult this all is for me still.
I don't want to scare those of you who are just stepping out onto the road.
But I also feel the need to be honest.
I've never yet, in all these years, not spoken/written the truth of how this is for me, and I'm not going to start now.Read more
I wish I could post the meme here that had me snorting water through my nose I laughed so hard.
Alas! I keep getting an error note, so I'll have to describe it and you envision it for yourself, okay?
The meme was 3 shrouded in black figures, riding one of the old timey merry go rounds.
The kind made of metal, and you'd hang on desperately as someone standing next to it whisked it faster and faster.
The words in the meme said when you and all your friends are dead inside and hate life but still have fun together.
Seriously. It was frickin' hysterical.
I laugh like a lunatic every time I see it.
Which is frequently, because I printed it out and put it on the wall next to my desk.Read more
This blog is a question for the Universe, I suppose.
Because I don't believe that there is a human alive, who has gone through this widowed life, who would have a ready answer for me.
I've stood in the middle of nowhere and cast my eyes up into azure blue skies...
I've stood outside on the darkest of dark nights with no light pollution around and let my eyes drift from one star to another...
I've stood in the midst of a crowd of people, all who love me...
I've stood with strangers...
I've been busy, I've distracted myself, I've practiced being in the moment, being still...
I've criss-crossed the country 8 times in these 6 1/2 years since Chuck's death...
I've workamped at an opera camp...
I've greeted thousands of guests as I worked the front gate of a Renaissance Faire...
I've done everything I could think of...
I've pushed into all that was in front of me...
And now I stand still and wonder...Read more
Two weeks traveling abroad in the Brazilian Amazon! How amazing! So exciting! I have never traveled out of the country besides Cancun, Mexico so this was a huge step outside my comfort zone. I haven’t had an actual vacation since Tin passed so this would be a break for me to soak up the experience and take the much earned downtime to recharge.Read more