I went to Chuck, a few days before he died, to have a semi final conversation with him.
I hoped that we'd have more conversation, but the cancer was taking over and I knew he didn't have much longer on this earth.
Even writing those words shreds my heart, as if I'm in those last days again.
Fucking cancer.Read more
Whispers of you echo through my years.
Echoes now, even more than memories.
The passing of Time has dulled the pain,
But it has also sullied my memory.Read more
Chuck's death did not break me.
I am not broken.
My heart shattered when he died.
It is shattered still.
I feel dislocated.
Trying to find my footing each day without him.
Yes, even six years later.
But not broken.
I don't need fixing.
I never did.
I fully recognize the people who shine a light for me on this darkened pathway.
And I recognize those who don't.
I draw healthy boundaries with those who don't.
And I celebrate those who do.
My heart overflows with Love.
The Love left behind for me by Chuck, and the Love gifted to me by the ones shining the light of Love for me, helping to illuminate my way.
It's all one and the same for me.
I'll always write about it...about Chuck and our Love story.
Always speak about it.
Write and speak about his absence from my life now, and the Love that lives on, in so many varied forms.
And I'll always and forever create beauty from it.
stripped me down to bone and marrow.
It dug my heart out of my body with sharp talons
And flung it, bloodied, onto the ground
A sharp bladed axe,
Such as was used for beheadings in the days of Henry VIII
Hacked away at that bloodied heart of mine on the ground.
Slicing and dicing it into miniscule pieces.Read more
The death of your significant other can have a tendency to place your goals and dreams on hold. You may have been planning a major purchase together...a new home, a vehicle, or even a major furniture or appliance buy. It might have been that trip to the Grand Canyon or Alaska you had dreamed of for years. Kids? That was always a “sometime soon” until they went ahead and got themselves dead. An experience that the two of you wanted to have together suddenly not only seems impossible, but undesirable, because it will only "remind you of them".
Just about anything that you and your partner had a shared dream of is, quite effectively, brought to a halt. "Life keeps on moving" is indeed true, but mainly in the sense that it’s "day to day" life that keeps on moving. Bills aren't suspended and your place of work doesn't close up shop, donating their profits to you. Your widow card doesn't come with free lunch or retail discounts. We widows still HAVE to keep living, it’s just not the fun parts of life.
But your dreams? Well, there goes that. Who the hell wants to go to the Grand Canyon, and bawl not because of the sheer beauty, but because our person isn’t there to see it with us? Why would I move now? This was the house Megan and I shared...that place in the country won’t be enjoyable anymore, because I’m just reminded that we never got there “together”.Read more
April 21, 2013.
It all stopped at that moment.
He took a quick breath in.
So did I.
And that was it.Read more
What do you think about happiness?
The possibility for it, in widowhood, I mean.
And has the word changed in meaning for you since the death of your person?
Do you even know what it means in this life after?Read more
Well, it’s that time of year again. I’m here in Texas, with Sarah and Shelby, to celebrate you. This is what, year...five for me? That seems crazy. We went to your grave today, and it’s I guess looking good as ever. The little heart shaped rocks, the trinkets...the helicopters; they’re all still there. Your mom had some pretty nice flowers set up too. Lilies, I think. I dunno. I’m pretty sure you don’t care all that much, considering that it’s been 7 years, and your loved ones are still making it a point to come by and “tidy up”.
Anyway, you should have seen it tonight. Your parents are totally loving having Shelby around. Playing ping-pong with her, your mother showing Shelby around her business, rendering Peanut both in awe of all of the scientific equipment, and speechless, your dad and I telling “dad jokes” to her, and even letting her drive the farm vehicles around. It’s almost like Shelby is their granddaughter.Read more
Yesterday, I was driving to my Soaring Spirits Widowed Social Group meetup that I co-lead.
We meet 2x per month, at various coffee shops and restaurants and such.
We provide friendship, support, and a place to safely be our widowed selves,
whether thats crying, laughing, venting, or anything in between.
Yesterday we met at a new location. A restaurant we had not yet met at before.
I had never been there before.
The location of the restaurant is on the right side of a street where a 4-way intersection meets.
Getting to the parking lot is a bit confusing.
I drove past the restaurant, because I couldnt find the entrance to it.
So I drove up a couple thousand feet up the road, made a left onto a secondary street, slowed down, put my directional on, and made a U-Turn to get back onto the street where the restaurant was.
In the midst of my U-turn, the driver who was behind me smashed into my car, on the left drivers rear side.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, my car was being pushed off the road by the impact, I was in a fog of some kind, and I had been slammed pretty hard.
One second, everything was fine and normal.
Then, with no warning at all,
And although a car accident is different than someone having a sudden heart attack and dying, as my husband did,
I know what both feel like. The shock and fog and cloudy feeling is no joke.
As we called 911 and asked each other "are you okay?" and all the other chaos that happens in the moments after an accident,
my mind felt thick and unsure. I felt in a daze of some kind. Like I was watching a movie in slow-motion, and not really understanding the plot.Read more
My new year begins each April 21.
That's the date of Chuck's death.
It's the only new year that carries any meaning for me.
What do I care about January 1?
April 21 is the day my life incinerated and I was eviscerated.
So it stands to reason, at least in my mind, that this is the day where I look back, and, insofar as I'm able, look ahead.Read more