***This is a post I wrote 3 years ago today. Almost a bookmark to my progress.***
Why: adv. For what purpose, reason, or cause; with what intention, justification, or motive
Now we know there are definitions, but in this case it is three letters that come together to become a word that has a way of haunting those of us who have felt cheated of a lifetime with our soul mates.
"Why him?", "Why me?","Why us?", "Why so young?", "Why so suddenly?", "Why so violently?"...and the list goes on.
I know the phrase is a little off-putting but I think I'd be in naive in not noting those that have come in and out of my life since Michael's death....though burning of bridges is probably an exaggeration of a statement.
In the beginning of Michael's death, many left or were hurt by the lack of understanding of the pain and loss I was feeling. As time passed others may have been shocked or freaked out by my utter honesty of the situation and title as a military widow. And still, four years later, some will come and go with my opinions on how I want to lead my life.
This weekend I'll be at the Austin City Limits Music Festival. 8 stages, over a hundred bands, but to me it is so much more.
Last October, my best friend (and fellow widow) and I ventured out on the green grass, drinking wine from sports bottles, listening to amazing music, having a grief/stress free time.
Of course, since Michael's death I've had many days that way. Worry free, almost to the point where I forget that he's even dead, but what differentiated that festival weekend from anything else was the affect it had once the 3 days were over.
They happen...sometimes more than I think I can handle.
Those moments where it feels like I'm in a well, with all the walls caving in on me.
The sad thing is I see it when I'm being lowered down....like the bucket on the rope.
I anticipate what will happen and still am lowered further and further down...feeling as if there is no one at the top to help pull me up.
I reach the bottom and know that my soul and spirit will collapse with the walls around me....
I look up once more, taking that last glance at the light that seems so far away.
You placed it onto my finger and our eyes met....making the agreement that from that point on our souls would be eternally connected....a searing of two hearts into one...no matter what lay ahead.
6 years ago you asked me the question that taught me that risk was a shorter word for following one's heart. Nothing has been more clear or absolute. Nothing has made me more honored and more proud.
The ring is more than a ring. Our love is more than love. We are more than us.
The past two weeks have been a whirlwind, and I'm kind of getting acclimated on the occasions where they happen...and in a way enjoying the mayhem it brings.
Last weekend was one of the best parts. We held an Inner Peace getaway for the amazing AWP ladies. From yoga to sailing to long nights of talking....it helped center me back in a place that I had been swinging around on like an out of control pendulum.
Hey Guys, came upon these at another great blog site . I especially like 4 and 6. Take care, TRead more
Next week, at this exact time, many of y'all will be home...and when I say home, I mean at Camp Widow.Read more
"He'd want you to keep on living." "He'd want you to be happy."
Oh, how those remarks we're scalpels to my ears when Michael first died. But, they kept coming, mouth after mouth, stranger after family member.
One of the things I started after Michael died was our "Date Nights".
It usually consists of a movie and a five course dinner with wine pairings throughout it.
It's amazing. From "Birds" to all three "Lord of the Ring" to "Chocolat" I sit there with an empty set next to me and savor every moment.