May will mark the 1 year anniversary of my beloved Charlie's death.
It still feels like I was just walking through the airport terminal getting the call from the oncologist. Yesterday, that he was fighting for his life and my soul and heart. Yesterday, that I laid with him at the fireplace and felt his last breath pass by my cheek.
Just like Michael, the gaping hole will never be filled where Charlie's life and love still lay, but the past few months I've felt that it may be time to find Maximus a new friend, a new brother. Not only that, I felt that I was ready for the possibility for there to be another fur-monster in our family.
I looked online, found doggies that peaked my interest. I went to meet and greets and even had one dog spend the weekend with Maximus and I.
When he was here, I felt disheartened. He was a good dog, but my heart wasn't in it, and Max seemed more depressed than ever.
I then headed to Paris, and while there saw all of this squatty, terrier type dogs and when I returned home, found myself on the same place I found Maximus...Craigslist.
“Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before.”-Erich Fromm
Tomorrow I share a part of my life known by few...and figured I'd follow it up by spending one of the holiday's Michael claimed to hate (but always truly loved and went all out on), the way he'd want me to...all out...in Paris.
I vowed after his death to do a "Once in A Lifetime Trip" once a year, but found that I had no time in 2011, so this year I'm making up for it by starting off 2012 in the city of love.Read more
Holy smokes, Batman.
2000 freakin' 12.
I don't quite know how to simply describe 2011 or simply describe what I hope 2012 to be.
I'm stubborn. I'm sarcastic. I say things like I see them. I bottle up my emotions. I'm a fireball.
He was laid back. He laughed at my sarcasm. He'd correct me when I was wrong. He made me express my emotions. He cooled me down when things got hot.
Michael was most definitely not the same as me. He was the opposite. He was perfect for someone like me; the person that has a filter issue but loves to be challenged, corrected, educated.
Michael made me grow. He makes me grow.
Michael's my prince charming. He saved me from the poisoned apple, kissed me out of an eternal sleep, slayed the dragon, and swept me up into his safe arms. And as soon as I was swept up, I felt like he was pulled away from me.
But, I still believe in fairy tales. It has been through my fellow widows; their stories, pictures, memories and thoughts....that I realized there were others in this world that had found their Aladdin, Beast, and Prince Phillip. It reinforced that I have felt the greatest of loves yet survived the largest of tragedies....and I was not alone in surviving.
It reinforced that love will always live on.
It starts with words. Then numbers.
Your shoe laces.
The things we learn in the earliest of ages can sometimes make us nostalgic. To have no worries but to learn what 1 + 2 equals. To clean your room. To use stick shift.
I'd be lying if I said I miss being weird...I still am and will always be.
But oh...how I miss being weird with him.
Not so much weird with him, but ourselves completely.
I impressed him with my Gallum impersonation. He impressed me with his Chewbacca roar.
He spent his lunch breaks watching Star Trek Next Generation, and loved that I collected stamps.
When loss strikes, we have a way of denying ourselves of things.
Whether it be the ability to smile since they can't smile. The ability to see all the impact that they're life left by focusing on the fact that they were taken so suddenly. The ability to celebrate life's happenings, since they are not there to celebrate it with you. Our ability to look ourselves in the mirror and like who we now are, because we're too focused on who we were before tragedy struck.
They're just a few things that I did and denied myself of.
I think I had to...it was necessary.Read more
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
It's Veteran's Day, and it comes every year with many people asking what I'll be doing. How I'll be honoring a day that my husband fought and died to be recognized as a part of.